20 Things That Never Happen in "Star Trek"

(Article from Edinburgh University's MIDWEEK Student Magazine, by Graeme MacDonald.)

• The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
• The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.
• Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.
• The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat.
• The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
• The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
• The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
• An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
• A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
• The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
• The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
• The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
• A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
• The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
• Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
• Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
• The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
• Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
• Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
• Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.