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Excerpts from Bash.org

source: Bash.org

<Raenne>
Damnit, my cookies are only half baked
<Tungee>
Smoke em up a bit more then
<Futility>
Heh heh heh... half baked.
<Raenne>
I stuck em back in the oven :)
<Tungee>
Mazi
<Tungee>
Nazi
<Raenne>
...
<Raenne>
They are COOKIES, not PEOPLE
<Raenne>
chocolate chip :)
<Tungee>
The nazi's didn't believe the Jews were people either

<DeeCee>
they made white chocolate so little black kids could get messy too

<Rjx>
either the chocolate in my pocket has melted, or this is something altogether more sinister

<Elfer>
I remember tangie complained about only getting a $30 GC game for EASTER
<Elfer>
bitch
<Elfer>
Know what I got for easter?
<Elfer>
nothing
<Elfer>
not even chocolate or anything
<Elfer>
Well, at least I didn't get crucified
<Elfer>
unlike some suckers at easter

<DjK>
well, I noticed that the noise my kid makes when he gets into a tantrum at the shops wanting chocolate is EXACTLY the same noise he makes when I accidentally cut off the top of his finger when he's helping me prepare the carrots.
<Rovie>
...
<DjK>
and they say I'm a bad parent - but I notice these little things!

<ChaosPid>
She was already mad at me and she yelled "I'm gonna kill you"
<ChaosPid>
and I responded....
<ChaosPid>
"This is weird, I swear to god I just heard you offer to make me a cake, but the words didnt match up with your lips at all........but chocolate, I suppose."
<Curt>
What'd she do?
<ChaosPid>
She looked like she was gonna die... left the room and then came back a few minutes later.... in a rage.
<Curt>
LOL.
<ChaosPid>
I then told her she shouldnt have left, if she wanted to go to the store to buy ingredients, she knew she would need a man to drive her to the store, and then I called her silly.

<Rabidplaybunny87>
A Touching Story of Love and Marriage
<Rabidplaybunny87>
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort inched himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
<Rabidplaybunny87>
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
<Rabidplaybunny87>
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he moved himself toward the table. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was almost already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
<Rabidplaybunny87>
The aged and withered hand, shakily made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
<Rabidplaybunny87>
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

<laertes>
NAPLES, Italy (Reuters) - Christmas has never tasted this good. Thirty-two pastry chefs in the southern Italian city of Naples unveiled on Saturday what they say is the biggest ever nativity scene made entirely of chocolate.
<skolex>
sweet jesus

<OmegaHedgehog>
Haha, a very funny thing happened to my cousin right before Christmas
<OmegaHedgehog>
My cousin was watching South Park with me, something he really isn't supposed to be doing
<OmegaHedgehog>
The episode where Cartman thinks a dildo is a sports watch was on
<OmegaHedgehog>
So he goes and writes down 'dildo' on his list to Santa
<OmegaHedgehog>
His dad goes and reads it and freaks out, and goes up to ask him where he heard what a dildo was
<OmegaHedgehog>
He replies with "I heard Cartman talk about it on TV. It's something like a sports watch, right?"
<OmegaHedgehog>
So his dad (my uncle) tells him it's a chocolate chip cookie, and asks my aunt to make him some
<OmegaHedgehog>
So the next day he goes to school, and here's the best part
<OmegaHedgehog>
He gets up in front of the whole class and tells them about how his mom gave him her biggest dildos and how yummy they were

<Cobra>
so i was watching a pr0n
<Thunder>
wait
<Thunder>
why u guys always say pr0n instead of porn ??
Thunder has been kicked by Guardian (No porn on this channel
!)
<Cobra>
...
<Cobra>
so i was watching a pr0n

<Kanuck>
i like to look at porn in pdf files.. just so i can make the little hand grab things.

<Demon Beaver>
So, at the LAN-party, there was a new guy.
<Demon Beaver>
And when he went for a drink, we snuck up to his pc, and created a folder called Horse-Porn on the desktop.
<Demon Beaver>
Then we took a screenshot, put it as his wallpaper, and deleted the folder.
<Demon Beaver>
He tried to get rid of that folder for 3 hours! ^^

[translated from German]
<MuschiExpress>
kater are you there?
<KoolerKater>
yeah
<MuschiExpress>
What kind of spaz are you?
<KoolerKater>
what's up?
<MuschiExpress>
You were supposed to burn my holiday videos on DVD for my wife
<MuschiExpress>
NOT your porn collection ffs
<KoolerKater>
omg wait a minute... you said you wanted the holiday stuff and that porn
<MuschiExpress>
Yes, but on TWO, in numbers, 2, you understand, TWO DVDs!!!
<KoolerKater>
...

<kperpy>
then i heard my mum at the door and naturally i panicked right, but luckily i alt+tab'd to porn and took off my pants before she saw that i was on the microsoft website

<crumpiano>
i just discovered a revolutionary way to piss off my neighbor
<crumpiano>
i can play porn and broadcast the audio out over the frequency of the radio station hes listening to
<crumpiano>
HAHAHAHA
<crumpiano>
he cant tell me to turn it down when its HIS stereo
<MAME>
you're an asshole

<tennisgh22>
i was watching this porn and the girl keeps goinng "see!!! see?!!!! seeeee?!!!!"
<tennisgh22>
and i was like wtf see what?
<tennisgh22>
but then i realized
<tennisgh22>
it was in spanish :(

<TsK/Scel>
i think im gonna download some porn
<TsK/Scel>
something ive never seen before tho
<TsK/Scel>
something...... different
<Shane/Mehul>
lol
<Shane/Mehul>
porn with women?
<TsK/Scel>
fuck you

<Paine>
Ah shit guys, I'm fucked.
<Criosys>
?
<Paine>
I was showing my mom the way to download and watch music on the computer downstairs (yeah, illegal, sue me). Anyway, I forgot to factor in the fact that there's an option box to "Search my computer for music files".
<Criosys>
and...?
<Paine>
What I DIDN'T know, was that it also adds video files. So about 5 minutes ago, I walked through the living room, saw my mom and sister at the computer watching the visualisations.
<Paine>
On the way back OUT of the room, the song changed, and all of a sudden, hardcore lesbian porn for my mom and sister to enjoy.
<Paine>
Now they're banging on the door so I'm turning MY music way up so they can't hear my crying >_<

<Elysium>
I think I need to watch some porn for luck
<gNaRKiLL>
doesnt work
<gNaRKiLL>
id be the luckiest fucker alive
<gNaRKiLL>
id shit leprachauns

<zetec>
I don't think it's physically possible to both laugh and ejaculate at the same time.
<zetec>
But I plan on finding out.
* zetec is away - midget porn.

<werro>
damnit :/
<werro>
my dad found my porn
<Bob112>
So what? I bet my dad knows I have porn.
<werro>
but my dad didnt know Im gay :/
<Bob112>
Um, like, neither did I
* werro has left #hookerz

<aryov>
This cake is soooo good
<aryov>
it's like sex, except I'm having it

<sweet17>
Hi
<bloodninja>
hello
<bloodninja>
who is this?
<sweet17>
just a someone?
<bloodninja>
A someone I know?
<sweet17>
nope
<bloodninja>
Then why the hell are you bothering me?
<sweet17>
well sorrrrrry
<sweet17>
I just wanted to chat with you
<bloodninja>
why?
<sweet17>
nevermind your an jerk
<bloodninja>
Hey wait a minute
<sweet17>
yes?
<bloodninja>
look Iím sorry. Iím just a little paranoid
<sweet17>
paranoid?
<bloodninja>
yes
<sweet17>
of what?
<sweet17>
me?
<bloodninja>
No. Iím in hiding.
<sweet17>
LOL
<bloodninja>
Donít fucking laugh at me!
<bloodninja>
This shit is serious!
<sweet17>
What are you hiding from?
<bloodninja>
The cops.
<sweet17>
gimme a fucking break
<bloodninja>
Iím serious.
<sweet17>
I donít get it
<bloodninja>
The cops are after me.
<sweet17>
For what?
<bloodninja>
Iím wanted in three states
<sweet17>
For???
<bloodninja>
Itís kindof embarrasing.
<bloodninja>
I had sex with a turkey.
<bloodninja>
Hello?
<sweet17>
You are fucking sick.
<bloodninja>
Send me your picture.
<sweet17>
why?
<bloodninja>
so I know you arenít one of them.
<sweet17>
One of what?
<bloodninja>
The cops.
<sweet17>
Iím not a cop i told you
<bloodninja>
Then send me your picture.
<sweet17>
hold on
<bloodninja>
Hurry up.
<bloodninja>
Are you there?
<bloodninja>
fuck you, cop!
<sweet17>
Hey sorry
<sweet17>
I had to do something for my mom.
<bloodninja>
I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
<bloodninja>
When really you were notifying the authorities.
<bloodninja>
Werenít you!?
<sweet17>
thats not it
<bloodninja>
Then what?
<sweet17>
I donít want to send you the picture cause Iím not pretty
<bloodninja>
Most cops arenít
<sweet17>
IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKSHIT!
<bloodninja>
Then send me the picture.
<sweet17>
fine. Whatís your e-mail?
<bloodninja>
Just send it through here.
<sweet17>
alright *PIC*
<sweet17>
Did you get it?
<bloodninja>
Hold on. Iím looking.
<sweet17>
That was me back in may
<sweet17>
Iíve lost weight since then.
<bloodninja>
I hope so
<sweet17>
what?!?
<sweet17>
that hurt my feelings.
<bloodninja>
Did it?
<sweet17>
Yes. Iím not that much smaller than that now.
<bloodninja>
Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
<sweet17>
yes
<bloodninja>
Alright let me find it.
<sweet17>
kks
<bloodninja>
Okay here it is. *PIC*
<sweet17>
this isnít you.
<bloodninja>
Iíll be damned if it ainít!
<sweet17>
You donít look like that.
<bloodninja>
How the hell do you know?
<sweet17>
cause your profile has another picture.
<bloodninja>
The profile pic is a fake.
<bloodninja>
I use it to hide from the cops.
<sweet17>
You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
<bloodninja>
Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy.
<bloodninja>
Not to mention all the groceries.
<sweet17>
Go fuck yourself
<bloodninja>
I was going to until I saw that picture
<bloodninja>
Now my unit wonít get hard for a week.
<sweet17>
I shouldnít have sent you that picture.
<sweet17>
Youíve done nothing but slam me.
<sweet17>
you hurt me.
<bloodninja>
And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesnít hurt me?
<sweet17>
I thought you were bullcrapping me!
<bloodninja>
Why would I do that?
<sweet17>
I canít believe that cops are after you
<bloodninja>
I canít believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
<sweet17>
FUCK YOU!!!
<bloodninja>
Youíd break both of his legs.
<sweet17>
Youíre a fucking wanker!
<sweet17>
Iíve been teased my whole life because of my weight
<sweet17>
and you make fun of me when you donít even know me
<bloodninja>
Ok. Iím sorry.
<sweet17>
No you arenít
<bloodninja>
Youíre right. Iím not.
<bloodninja>
HAARRRRR!
<sweet17>
Iím done with you
<bloodninja>
Aww. Iím sorry.
<sweet17>
Iím putting you on ignore
<bloodninja>
Wait a sec
<bloodninja>
We got off on the wrong foot.
<bloodninja>
Wanna start over?
<sweet17>
No
<bloodninja>
Iíll eat your kitty
<sweet17>
Youíll what?
<bloodninja>
You heard me.
<bloodninja>
I said Iíd eat your kitty.
<sweet17>
I thought you said you couldnít get it hard after seeing my picture
<bloodninja>
Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
<sweet17>
Iíd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
<bloodninja>
Well Iím not like most men.
<bloodninja>
I get excited in different ways.
<sweet17>
Like what?
<bloodninja>
Do you really wanna know?
<sweet17>
I donít know
<bloodninja>
You have to tell me yes or no.
<sweet17>
Iím afraid to
<bloodninja>
Why?
<sweet17>
cause
<bloodninja>
cause why?
<sweet17>
well lets see
<sweet17>
you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
<sweet17>
doesnít that seem strange to you?
<bloodninja>
Nope
<sweet17>
well its strange to me
<bloodninja>
Fine. I wonít do it if you donít want me to
<sweet17>
I didnít say that
<bloodninja>
So is that a yes?
<sweet17>
I guess so.
<bloodninja>
Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
<bloodninja>
Are you willing?
<sweet17>
What do you need me to do
?
<bloodninja>
I need you talk like a pirate.
<sweet17>
???
<bloodninja>
When I start to go limp, you say "HARRRR!!!"
<bloodninja>
ok?
<bloodninja>
Hello?
<sweet17>
You canít be serious
<bloodninja>
Oh yes I am!
<bloodninja>
Itís my fantasy.
<sweet17>
this is retarded
<bloodninja>
Do you want it or not?
<sweet17>
Yes I want it.
<bloodninja>
Then youíll do it for me?
<sweet17>
sure
<bloodninja>
Ok. Here we go.
<bloodninja>
I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
<bloodninja>
You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
<bloodninja>
I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
<bloodninja>
I run my tounge up and down your smooth cunt.
<sweet17>
mmmm yeah
<bloodninja>
uh oh :going limp.
<sweet17>
Har
<bloodninja>
You gotta do better than that!
<bloodninja>
Your picture was really bad.
<sweet17>
HARRRRRRRRRRRR
<bloodninja>
Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
<bloodninja>
I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.
<bloodninja>
Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
<bloodninja>
I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
<sweet17>
mmmmmm you are good
<bloodninja>
I feel your thighs tighten as I fuck harder
<bloodninja>
going limp
<sweet17>
HARRRRRRR
<bloodninja>
Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
<bloodninja>
You begin to sway back and forth.
<bloodninja>
going limp
<sweet17>
this is stupid
<bloodninja>
still limp
<bloodninja>
Do it!
<sweet17>
HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
<bloodninja>
I turn you around to lick your asshole.
<bloodninja>
I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
<bloodninja>
I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
<sweet17>
WTF?!?!?
<bloodninja>
They stink really bad.
<sweet17>
OMG STOP!!!
<bloodninja>
I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
<bloodninja>
I tear off your wooden peg leg.
<bloodninja>
I ram it up your ass.
<sweet17>
YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!!
<bloodninja>
Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
<bloodninja>
And turn you into a fucking candy apple
<bloodninja>
I kick you in the face!
<sweet17>
FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!!
<bloodninja>
The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin
<bloodninja>
Your parrot flys away.
<bloodninja>
going limp again.
<bloodninja>
Hello?
<bloodninja>
Say it!
<bloodninja>
HAARRRRRR!!!!!

<JHawk111420>
Hey whats up, a/s/l?
<Lady Renegade>
more than you want, I'm sure :)
<JHawk111420>
ill take that as a challenge ;-)
<Lady Renegade>
take it any way you want sweetie
<JHawk111420>
k, how old are ya?
<Lady Renegade>
probably too old for you, but let's pretend I'm 20 ;)
<JHawk111420>
k, what do ya look like?
<Lady Renegade>
before or after I'm dressed up?
<JHawk111420>
both :-D
<Lady Renegade>
well......after I'm dressed up, I have long sexy red hair, nails painted red to match the slinky dress I have on, stiletto heels, pouty lips, green eyes, boobs out to here, and a smile that stops traffic
<JHawk111420>
and before your dressed up?
<Lady Renegade>
before I'm dressed up, I'm bald and wearing boxers...sometimes my weenie is peeking out
<Lady Renegade>
hello?
<Lady Renegade>
hello?
<Lady Renegade>
hello ....

<Ouroboros>
Has anyone ever logged into dev0n's FTP?
<Affe>
ouro: that some kind of sexual innuendo?
<xpander>
is that a euphemism?
<Ouroboros>
Possibly
<Ouroboros>
Shhh
<Ouroboros>
I try to be subtle about these things.
<Affe>
in that case, i 'log into dev0ns ftp' all the time
<Ouroboros>
Yeah, she gave me her "login" but she won't reply to my "/msgs"
<Affe>
dude i had 'sex' with her in the 'butt' the other day
<Affe>
oh wait
<Affe>
we're being subtle

<TOZTWO>
I was kinda shy, and still am, so right after sex, I started getting dressed before she could turn on the lights......
<TOZTWO>
Well, she turns the light on, and I have my clothes on already, and she can't find her undies.......
<TOZTWO>
But she finds my undies next to the bed.
<TOZTWO>
Guess whose undies I'm wearing?

<Relevant>
get oral_sex_training_video.mpg
<Relevant>
Oops wrong window.

* Kederaji is now officially offended by the Red Cross.
<FraX>
How much blood did they want today?
<Kederaji>
Well, you know that questionnaire they ask you before they poke you with the needle?
<FraX>
Yeah.
<Kederaji>
Well, the guy took a look at me and started marking all the sex related questions as "No".
<Kederaji>
Didn't even bother to ask me, just marked them "No."
<Kederaji>
The bastard.
<FraX>
Was he right?
<Kederaji>
He was, but that's not the point!

<sexor>
I went shopping last night at like 1am. the place was empty, and this old woman, just making polite convertation, said to me: "where is everyone??".
<sexor>
I replied: "In bed, same place you and I should be!"
<sexor>
Took me ten minutes to figure out why she gave me a dirty look

<nick>
FUCKING HELL!!!!
<nick>
I swear one day I'm just gonna go and hunt down every stupid bitch on earth and put them out of their misery...
<R4an0m>
?
<nick>
Ok, theres this resteraunt just down the road from me where I eat every now and then.. other night I go in for dinner with my girlfriend. After drinking half a bottle of wine, my bowls begin to complain, so I head to the bathroom
<nick>
I use the urinal and turn towards the sink and start to zip up at the same time when in walks this young girl of about 18, quite nice looking, and there I am with my dick still halfway out of my pants...
<nick>
so I turn pretty damn fast in the other direction and zip up, then turn back expecting to find she'd dissapeared, only to discover that not only hadn't she left, she'd let the door shut and walked in a couple of steps towards me. Now I'm pretty embarrassed and point out to her that she had gone through the wrong door.
<nick>
She tells me that no she didn't and then she fucking reaches down and grabs my dick through my pants! I take a quick step backwards and ask her what the hell does she think she's doing (I mean shit what would happen if I wandered into the ladies and started feeling people up??).. she gets this disgusted look on her face and turns round, storms out the bathroom
<nick>
Now I'm left standing there going "what the fuck just happened??" for about a minute, then wash my hands and head back to the resteranut... only to be greeted by the young lady, the resteraunt manager and some 7 foot tall, 4 foot wide dude with "Security" written on his shirt. Alarm bells proceed to go off in my head, but I stay calm and ask what the problem is
<nick>
the manager tells me the young lady (known from here on in as the bitch) has complained about me sexually harassing her when she accidently walked into the wrong bathroom!
<nick>
I resist the urge to walk over and punch her, and try to explain my version of what happened. At this point the bitch pipes up and calls me a "lying son of a bitch" that was a "menace to society"
<nick>
so I think "right I'll fix you" and turn to her and say "look you stupid bitch, you came onto me, I turned you down, what kind of sad pathetic loser are you, that you have to hit on random guys in a bathroom anyway? Get over it, you lost, no need to get all bitchy over it."
<nick>
I figure now she'll either shut up or totally lose it and start screaming at me, but alas, I was mistaken about how fucked I truely was. Instead of shutting up, she looked at me for a second then burst into tears, before turning to the manager and saying inbetween sobs....
<nick>
".....you're not going let him say that to me, are you daddy?"
<R4an0m>
aahahahahahaa!!
<nick>
so now Im sore from being thrown out the door by that bouncer, and I got a vist from the police this morning telling me I was being charged with sexual assault.. :(.

<queenren24>
i need your advice
<queenren24>
cause you're a guy and all
<MrFluffyPants26>
that I am
<queenren24>
what would you, as a guy, rather have for your birthday or christmas: a video game or that axe stuff that smells SOOO good?
<MrFluffyPants26>
Axe DOES smell good...
<MrFluffyPants26>
what video game?
<queenren24>
rome: total war
<MrFluffyPants26>
hm...
<MrFluffyPants26>
probably the game
<MrFluffyPants26>
but give him sexual favors too
<MrFluffyPants26>
can't go wrong with that
<queenren24>
:O
<MrFluffyPants26>
precisely

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Op 21 maart 2009 is mijn boek 'De Paarse Panda' gepubliceerd. In dit boek beschrijf ik hoe het voelt om longkanker te hebben en ongeneeslijk ziek te zijn verklaard. Het boek barst van geluk, positiviteit, liefde, creativiteit, levenslust, verwondering en optimisme maar dat laatste brokkelt heel langzaam af door teleurstellingen en het moeten verleggen van grenzen.