Top 100 Facts for Chuck Norris

source: 4q.cc

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows he's the murderer and used his foot to do it.
3. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
4. Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
5. Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
6. It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
7. Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
8. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
9. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
10. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
11. Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women than most men.
12. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
13. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
14. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
15. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
16. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
17. The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
18. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
19. The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
20. Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
22. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
23. Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
24. Objects in Chuck Norris's rear-view mirror appear at their correct distances.
25. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
26. If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.
27. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
28. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
29. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
30. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
31. If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.
32. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
33. Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
34. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
35. There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
36. The Terminator once went back in time to kill Chuck Norris. He found only a note from Chuck reading "Bitch lips-- I have already traveled to the future and am currently beating your ass there, when I return I'll bring a piece of your metal ass back with me and beat you with that in the present."
37. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
38. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
39. When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
40. Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
41. Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
42. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
43. Chuck Norris is the reason the devil went down to Georgia and not Texas.
44. Chuck Norris once fell into a pool of toxic waste, and the toxic waste gained super powers.
45. Sperm count for a normal human male ranges from 20-150 million. Chuck Norris' sperm count is only one, but it's two feet long, and wants out NOW.
46. Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
47. The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
48. Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."
49. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
50. Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
51. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
52. When Chuck Norris visited the Vatican, he took the Pope's confession.
53. If you know some one who doesn't like Chuck Norris, you won't know them for long.
54. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
55. Sega made an arcade game once where you fought Chuck Norris. Every time you put a quarter in, the screen immediately displayed "You Lose". It was Sega's most popular machine ever.
56. Chuck Norris carries no money. Pain is his only currency.
57. Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
58. There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer because Chuck Norris is always in control.
59. The movie Anaconda was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.
60. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
61. Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
62. We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
63. Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.
64. One day Chuck Norris accidentally severed his arm at the elbow while putting kittens in a wood chipper. He laughed and mocked the drummer from Def Leppard. His arm grew back in 30 minutes.
65. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
66. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
67. Chuck Norris doesn't play Hide and Seek, he plays Hunt and Destroy.
68. Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
69. Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
70. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
71. Jawbreakers were originally in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist.
72. Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
73. Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.
74. Chuck Norris is like corn. No matter how much shit he is in, he still come out in one piece.
75. Chuck Norris invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.
76. Chuck Norris discovered the "taint" when he couldn't decide if he wanted to kick someone in the ass or the balls.
77. When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
78. The Surgeon General once tried to warn the public that interactions with Chuck Norris may cause a serious risk to your health, and could even result in death. Ironically, Chuck Norris responded to this warning with a fatal slow-motion roundhouse kick to the Surgeon General's jugular. No one warns Chuck Norris about Chuck Norris except Chuck Norris.
79. If you stare directly into the sun it will bring some eye problems. If you stare directly into Chuck Norris it will bring death.
80. Chuck Norris is the reason for Attention Deficit Disorder. There is no way anyone can pay attention when they know Chuck Norris is lurking.
81. When Chuck Norris wants a salad, he eats a vegetarian.
82. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
83. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
84. Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
85. Objects in Chuck Norris' rear view mirror are closer than they should be. They are making a grave mistake.
86. Ozzy Osbourne ate the head of a bat, but Chuck Norris ate Batman.
87. Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
88. Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
89. Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
90. WWI ended when Chuck Norris finished his European vacation. WWII started when he went back for his wallet.
91. Anything you can do Chuck Norris can do better.
92. Chuck Norris uses Viagra eyedrops so he can look hard.
93. When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save Chuck Norris, they save the car.
94. Chuck Norris always has the right of way.
95. Chuck Norris only has sex with AIDS-infected hookers to, "Put the sport back into it."
96. When asked why he round-house kicked an entire school of children Chuck Norris replies "I don't like Mondays." When informed that it was Tuesday he replied "I still don't like Mondays."
97. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
98. As a child, Chuck Norris played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos.
99. The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because it knows Chuck Norris is after it.
100. There is three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way and the Chuck Norris way. The Chuck Norris way is just the wrong way but with more roundhouse kicks.