Dr. House M.D. - Season 1
Pilot [1.1]
Dr. House:
See that, they all assume I'm a patient because of the cane.
Dr. Wilson:
Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us?
Dr. House:
I don't want them to think I'm a doctor.
Dr. Wilson:
She's my cousin.
Dr. House:
And your cousin doesn't like the diagnosis. I wouldn't either. Brain tumor. She's gonna die. Boring.
Dr. Foreman:
It's a lesion.
Dr.House:
And the big green thing in the middle of the bigger blue thing on a map is an island.
Dr.House:
Your wife is having an affair.
Orange-Colored Patient:
What??
Dr. House:
You're ORANGE, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention. Oh, by the way, do you consume just ridiculous amounts of carrots and mega-dose vitamins? The carrots turn you yellow, the niacin turns you red. Get a set of fingerpaints and do the math... and get a good lawyer.
Dr. Cuddy:
You don't prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don't since Tuskeegee and Mengele.
Dr. House:
You're comparing me to a Nazi?
[admiringly]
Nice ...
Dr. Foreman:
Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.
Dr. Cameron:
What's up?
Dr. Foreman:
When you break into someone's house, it's always better to have a white chick with you.
Dr. House:
Everybody lies.
Dr. Cameron:
Dr. House doesn't like dealing with patients.
Dr. Foreman:
Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?
Dr. House:
No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.
Rebecca Adler:
I just want to die with a little dignity.
Dr. House:
There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can't die with it.
Dr. House:
Patients always want proof. We're not making cars here, we don't give guarantees.
Dr. Cameron:
Why did you hire me?
Dr. House:
Does it matter?
Dr. Cameron:
Kind of hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you.
Dr. House:
Why?
Dr. Cameron:
Is that rhetorical?
Dr. House:
No, it just seems that way because you can't think of an answer. Does it make a difference what I think? I'm a jerk. The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job?
Dr. Cameron:
You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record.
Dr. House:
No, it wasn't a racial thing, I didn't see a black guy. I just saw a doctor... with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. I hired you because you are extremely pretty.
Dr. Cameron:
You hired me to get into my pants?!
Dr. House:
I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.
Dr. Cameron:
I was in the top of my class.
Dr. House:
But not THE top.
Dr. Cameron:
I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic.
Dr. House:
Yes, you were a very good applicant.
Dr. Cameron:
But not the best?
Dr. House:
Would that upset you, really? To think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty, not some genetic gift of intelligence?
Dr. Cameron:
I worked very hard to get where I am.
Dr. House:
But you didn't have to. People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's the law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn't, you worked your stunning little ass off.
Dr. Cameron:
Am I supposed to be flattered?
Dr. House:
Gorgeous women do not go to medical school. Unless they're as damaged as they are beautiful. Were you abused by a family member?
Dr. Cameron:
No!
Dr. House:
Sexually assaulted?
Dr. Cameron:
No.
Dr. House:
But you are damaged, aren't you?
Dr. Cuddy:
Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.
Dr. House:
Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, "You can't always get what you want."
Dr. House:
I'm ANGRY! You're risking a patient's life.
Dr. Cuddy:
I assume those are two separate points.
Dr. House:
You showed me disrespect, you embarrassed me and as long as I still work here you have...
Dr. Cuddy:
[interrupting]
Is your yelling designed to scare me? Because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be scared of. More yelling? That's not scary. That you're gonna hurt me? That's scary, but I'm pretty sure I can outrun ya.
[pause]
Dr. Cuddy:
Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted, Jagger, and you're right, "You can't always get what you want," but as it turns out "if you try sometimes you get what you need."
Paternity [1.2]
Dr. House:
When did my signature get so girly?
Dr. Cameron:
I can explain.
Dr. House:
See that "G," see how it makes a big loop on top? It doesn't even look like my handwriting. Think I have something? What's the differential diagnosis for writing "G's" like a junior high school girl?
Dr. House:
[to Cameron]
Perseverance does not equal worthiness. Next time you want to get my attention, wear something fun. Low-riding jeans are hot.
Dr. Chase:
It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic
his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain.
Dr. House:
Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.
Dr. Cameron:
What about sex?
Dr. House:
Well, it might get complicated. We work together. I am older, certainly, but maybe you like that.
Dr. Cameron:
I meant maybe he has neurosyphilis.
Dr. House:
Heh, nice cover.
[winks]
Dr. House:
Thirty percent of all dads out there don't realize they're raising someone else's kid.
Dr. Foreman:
From what I've read false paternity is more like ten percent.
Dr. House:
That's what our moms would like us to believe.
Dr. Cameron:
Who cares? If he got it from his parents they'd both be dead by now, can we get on with the differential diagnosis?
Dr. House:
Fifty bucks says I'm right.
Dr. Foreman:
I'll take your money.
Dr. House:
Hit a nerve? Don't worry Foreman, I'm sure the guy who tucked you in at night was your daddy.
Dr. Foreman:
Make that a hundred dollars.
Dr. Cuddy:
What are you doing back here? A patient?
Dr. House:
No, a hooker. Came to my office instead of my home.
Dr. House:
[talking to Wilson about a patient and quickly changing the subject as he sees Dr. Cuddy coming]
the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! Oh my! I didn't see you there - That is so embarrassing...
Dr. Cuddy:
How's your hooker doing?
Dr. House:
Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.
Patient's Mother:
How can you just sit there?
Dr. House:
If I eat standing up, I spill.
Dr. Foreman:
No neurologist in his right mind would recommend that.
Dr. House:
Show of hands: who thinks I'm not in my right mind? And who thinks I forget this very basic neurological fact? Who thinks there's a third option?
[Dr. Chase raises his hand]
Dr. House:
Very good. What's the third choice?
Dr. Chase:
No idea. You just asked if I thought there was one.
Occam's Razor [1.3]
Dr. House:
[to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area]
Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Cuddy:
Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. House:
This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board (emphasis to make it sound like 'bored')...certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
[House turns to face Dr. Cuddy.]
Dr. House:
That is true, isn't it?
[He turns back to the crowd.]
Dr. House:
But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
[nobody moves]
And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[Everybody raises their hands.]
Dr. House:
Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Dr. Cameron:
Men should grow up.
Dr. House:
Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not going to happen.
Dr. House:
What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or one who ignores you while you get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.
Dr. Wilson:
That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
Dr. House:
Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
Dr. Cameron:
I'm uncomfortable about sex.
Dr. Chase:
Well, we don't have to talk about this
Dr. Cameron:
Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly and it's messy, and if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago.
[pause to breathe deep and stare at each other]
Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour long orgasm?
Dr. Foreman:
Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.
Dr. House:
And you think one is simpler than two?
Dr. Cameron:
I'm pretty sure it is, yeah.
Dr. House:
Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?
Dr. Foreman:
I think your argument is specious.
Dr. House:
I think your tie is ugly.
Dr. House:
No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate.
Dr. Wilson:
Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth.
Dr. House:
And triteness kicks us in the nads.
Dr. Wilson:
So true...
Tattooed Walk-in Patient:
[turning to leave]
I should go.
Dr. House:
You think it's going to come out on its own?
[the patient stops]
Are we talking bigger than a bread basket? Because, actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem - it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff - you're going to rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient:
How did you--
Dr. House:
You've been here half an hour and you haven't sat down, that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is, that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdy carved under your arm, and that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I'm figuring it's not hemorrhoids.
[pause for awkward silence]
I've been a doctor twenty years. You're not going to surprise me.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient:
It's an MP3 player.
Dr. House:
[trying to keep himself from laughing]
Hmm. Is it... is it because of the size, or the shape... Or is it the pounding bass line?
Tattooed Walk-in Patient:
What are we going to do?
Dr. House:
I'm going to wait.
Tattooed Walk-in Patient:
For what?!
[Scene change: House leaving the walk-in clinic]
Dr. House:
[to the reception nurses]
Okay. It's 3 o'clock, I'm off. Could you tell Dr. Cuddy there's a patient in exam room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads.
Dr. Cameron:
Brandon's not ready for surgery.
Dr. House:
OK, let's leave it a couple of weeks. He should be feeling better by then. Oh wait, which way does time go?
Dr. Chase:
[about House]
He thinks outside the box. Is that so evil?
Dr. Foreman:
He has no idea where the box is!
Dr. House:
The patient could have died.
Dr. Cuddy:
The woman with the pulled muscle?
Dr. House:
Those symptoms are consistent with a dozen other conditions, you know, I'm entitled to a consult!
Dr. Cuddy:
You are not getting out of clinic duty.
Dr. House:
Oh, come on... You got a hundred of them idiot doctors who go all warm and fuzzy every time they pull a toy car out of a nose, you don't need me here.
Dr. Cuddy:
No, I don't, but working with people actually makes you a better doctor.
Dr. House:
When did I sign up for that course?
Dr. Cuddy:
When did I give you the impression that I care?
Dr. House:
This doesn't bother you?
Dr. Wilson:
That you were wrong? I try to work through the pain.
Dr. House:
I was not wrong. Everything I said was true. It fit. It was elegant.
Dr. Wilson:
So... Reality was wrong?
Dr. House:
Reality is almost always wrong.
Maternity [1.4]
Dr. House:
This is our fault. Doctors over-prescribing antibiotics. Got a cold? Take some penicillin. Sniffles? No problem. Have some azithromycin. Is that not working anymore? Oh, got your Levaquin. Antibacterial soaps in every bathroom. We'll be adding vancomycin to the water supply soon. We bred these superbugs. They're our babies. And they're all grown up and they've got body piercings and a lot of anger.
Jill:
My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm over training; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day,
[House looks tired]
but I can't seem to lose any weight.
Dr. House:
Lift up your arms.
[she does so]
Dr. House:
You have a parasite.
Jill:
Like a tapeworm or something?
Dr. House:
Lie back and lift up your sweater.
[she lies back, and still has her hands up]
Dr. House:
You can put your arms down.
Jill:
Can you do anything about it?
Dr. House:
Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
[he starts to ultrasound her abdomen]
Jill:
Illegal?
Dr. House:
Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill:
Playdates?
Dr. House:
[shows her the ultrasound]
It has your eyes.
Dr. House:
Get up. We're going hunting.
Dr. Chase:
For what?
Dr. House:
Wabbits.
Dr. House:
See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, cause you give me all these really great insights for free.
Dr. Cuddy:
[smiling]
Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.
Dr. House:
Your husband is definitely the source of your 'mono'.
Jill:
Oh, wow. Oh, thank God. Wow, I'm going to be a mom. Whoa, heh heh. Thank you so much; I gotta get you a gift or something.
Dr. House:
Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again.
Jill:
Okay, all right! But, Dr. House, you've been so awesome. I mean, I really, totally trust you. Do you think you ...
Dr. House:
No.
Jill:
.. Could you do the prenatal?
Dr. House:
No.
Jill:
Or deliver the baby?
Dr. House:
That would be no.
Jill:
Okay!
Damned If You Do [1.5]
Dr. House:
I've been a doctor for years. Why do I have to keep assuring people I know what I'm doing?
Dr. House:
What I have difficulty with is the whole concept of belief. Faith isn't based on logic and experience.
Dr. House:
In ten seconds, I'm going to announce that I gave her (the patient) the wrong dosage.
Dr. Cuddy:
[Taken aback]
You're going to admit negligence?
House:
Unless you leave the room, you'll have to testify as a witness.
[Cuddy crosses her arms]
Five, four, three, two... So there I was in the clinic, drunk, I closed my eyes reached into the drawer, grabbed the first needle I could find and....
[Cuddy leaves quickly]
Dr. House:
You know how it is with nuns: you take out their IUDs and they bounce right back.
Dr. House:
When she went into cardiac arrest in the clinic, I had to open her blouse to do CPR, and I learned two things. Nuns can have nice breasts, and she has a tattoo on her shoulder. Of a skunk. Now maybe it's the sacred skunk of St. Joseph, but as far as I know, Catholic foster houses and monestaries do not keep tattoo parlours in their refactories.
The Socratic Method [1.6]
Lucas Palmero:
This is a good hospital?
Dr. House:
Depends what you mean by 'good'.
[looks around]
I like these chairs.
Dr. Foreman:
[Referring to Dr. House]
He's really talking to a patient.
Dr. Chase:
I don't know who I am any more.
Dr. Chase:
[Referring to Dr. House]
He likes crazy people. He likes the way they think.
Dr. Foreman:
They think...badly. That's the definition of...crazy.
Dr. Chase:
They're not boring. He likes that.
Dr. House:
[In exam room with mother and daughter]
This is why you're here?
Mother:
Sugar is the leading cause of obesity in America.
Dr. House:
You want a doctor to scare her about the dangers of sugar.
Mother:
She needs to get her weight under control.
Dr. House:
Well, you know, I feel sorry for those other kids, Wendy, who don't have a mom like yours- a mom who knows that sugar causes heart disease, appendicitis, and athlete's foot.
Mother:
That's not fair!
Dr. House:
Oh, yes it is! No, I get it. You want her to slim down so she can wear pretty clothes like yours. Love the bracelets! Hey, what about matching outfits? You could be twins!
[Gasps]
She can't be your daughter! It's impossible, you look way too young!
[To daughter]
Happy Birthday.
[To mother]
Get the kid a damned ice cream cake.
Dr. House:
So, when I said "no psych meds", I'm just curious, which word didn't you understand?
Dr. Foreman:
The Haldol had nothing to do with the bleed. You know that. I used it purely as a chemical restraint.
Dr. House:
Oh, great, well, that's good to hear. So she won't experience any of those pesky little side effects you get when your motives aren't pure.
[a patient needs a liver transplant]
Dr. Foreman:
Mickey Mantle had a whole bar named after him - he got a transplant.
Dr. House:
Yeah. Well, Lucy can't switch hit.
Dr. Cuddy:
Good morning, Dr. House.
Dr. House:
Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part.
Dr. Cuddy:
Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.
Dr. House:
Ah, my birthday. Normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the Sun one more time; I really didn't think it was going to make it this year, but darn it if it wasn't the little planet that could all over again.
Fidelity [1.7]
Dr. House:
I don't ask why patients lie. I just assume they all do.
Dr. House:
Ah! The husband described her as being unusually irritating recently.
Dr. Cameron:
And?
Dr. House:
I didn't know it was possible for a woman to be unusually irritable.
Dr. Cameron:
Nice try, but you're a misanthrope, not a misogynist.
Dr. House:
Fever. Clinical depression does not cause fever.
Dr. Foreman:
She could be sick and depressed?
Dr. House:
She's sick! Dammit, why didn't I think of that?
Dr. Cuddy:
[about House and Wilson examining a busty patient]
It takes two department heads to treat shortness of breath? What, do the complications increase exponentially with cup size?
Dr. Foreman:
Why are you riding me?
Dr. House:
It's what I do...Has it gotten worse lately?
Dr. Foreman:
Yeah. Seems to me.
Dr. House:
Really. Well, that rules out the race thing. 'Cause you were just as black last week.
Dr. Foreman:
Sleeping sickness from sex?
Dr. House:
It's not without precedent.
Dr. Foreman:
I'm pretty sure it is, unless you're talking about going to Africa and having sex with the tsetse fly.
Dr. House:
A Portuguese man was diagnosed three years ago with CNS-affected sleeping sickness. His only connection with Africa was through a girlfriend who'd served under the military in Angola.
Dr. Chase:
Oi, where'd you find that?
Dr. House:
The journal of the Instituto de Higiene e Medicina Tropical. You don't read Portuguese?
Dr. Cameron:
You do?
Dr. House:
I'm pretty sure that's what it said. Either that or it was an ad for sunglasses.
Dr. Foreman:
Are you saying there is a brain tumor that three ER doctors, two neurologists and a radiologist missed?
Dr House:
Partridge in a pear tree missed it as well.
Dr. House:
As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.
Dr. Wilson:
And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.
Dr. House:
So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!
[Cameron is in the lab working on some equipment]
Dr. House:
Mixing up some margaritas? Mine's a double, Señorita. That's Portuguese you know.
Dr. Cameron:
[too quietly]
Spanish.
Dr. House:
Uh-oh. What's going on?
Dr. Cameron:
I'm re-calibrating the centrifuge.
Dr. House:
Turn around.
[She does, and she's obviously been crying.]
Dr. House:
It's a very sad thing, an un-calibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too.
Dr. Cameron:
I'm not crying.
Dr. House:
Ok.
[pause]
Dr. Cameron:
When I was in college, I... I fell in love, and I got married. And...
Dr. House:
At that age the chances of a marriage lasting...
Dr. Cameron:
It lasted six months. Thyroid cancer metastasized to his brain. There was nothing they could do. I was 21, and I watched my husband die.
Dr. House:
I'm sorry. But that's not the whole story. It's a symptom, not your illness. Thyroid cancer would have been diagnosed at least a year before his death, you knew he was dying when you married him. Must have been when you first met him. And you married him anyway. You can't be that good a person and well adjusted.
Dr. Cameron:
Why?
Dr. House:
Because you wind up crying over centrifuges.
Dr. Cameron:
Or hating people?
Poison [1.8]
Dr. Foreman:
The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.
Dr. House:
That's the way calculus presents.
Georgia:
I notice colors more. And music. I- I'm really hearing music. I'm eighty-two, and I'm supposed to be playing canasta with the other old ladies, but... Now when I see a guy with a cute butt...I just can't stop looking at him.
[looks at House]
Or a sexy beard.
Dr. House:
And you figure that enjoying cute butts is a sign of disease?
Georgia:
So I watched it. And it had this actor in it. This kid called Ashton Kutcher. Now, I think about Ashton all the time. All the time.
Dr. House:
Aha.
Georgia:
You remind me of him. Same bedroom eyes.
Dr. House:
People are always mixing us up.
Dr. House:
I assume "minimal at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell."
Dr. Chase:
I'm Australian.
Dr. House:
You put the Queen on your money; you're British.
Dr. House:
I, Margo Davis, have been informed of the risks which may arise from my refusal of advised medical care. I hereby release...
Margo:
Who are you?
Dr. House:
I work for the hospital. The Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, its employees agents, and otherwise from any adverse medical conditions resulting from my refusal. It is not the hospital's fault if my son kicks off.
Margo:
Kicks off?
Dr. House:
I punched up the language, mostly for clarification. I understand my doctors consider my decision to be completely idiotic...
Margo:
Why are you doing this?
Dr. House:
But I am convinced that I know more than they do, I took a biology course in high school. I assume that's... Yeah. Besides, I enjoy controlling every single aspect of my son's life, even if it means his death. Sign here, please. I brought a pen.
Margo:
Who are you?
Dr. House:
I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son. You're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification: it's a beautiful thing.
Dr. Wilson:
[Reading a poem Georgia left for Dr. House]
"The healer with his magic powers/I could rub his gentle brow for hours/His manly chest, his stubbled jaw/Everything about him leaves me raw..."
Dr. House:
Psych ward's upstairs.
Dr. Wilson:
"With joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same." It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.
Dr. House:
What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Dr. Wilson:
That's fairly disgusting.
Dr. House:
That's ageism.
Dr. Wilson:
You better watch yourself around this babe.
Dr. House:
[to Georgia]
I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship. Learned that one the hard way.
Mark:
But Mom; you said Dad was your first love.
Georgia:
He was. We're talking about sex.
Dr. Wilson:
Hey, I'm a man. I don't have time for laundry. I'm saving lives here.
DNR [1.9]
Dr. House:
DNR means "Do Not Resuscitate", it does not say "Do Not Treat".
Dr. House:
Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team." There is a "me," though, if you jumble it up.
Dr. Foreman:
You assaulted that man.
Dr. House:
Fine. I'll never do it again.
Dr. Foreman:
Yes, you will.
Dr. House:
All the more reason this debate is pointless.
Dr. Wilson:
You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex - they need to save the world? You've got the "Rubik's" complex; you need to solve the puzzle.
Dr. Foreman:
He doesn't want you treating him!
Dr. House:
They dropped the court order.
Dr. Wilson:
Yeah, and that girl dropped the charges against Kobe. Doesn't mean that he should call her and see if she's free to get a sundae.
Willie:
My nature isn't what it used to be. The little man has lost some bounce in his step. He needs to crank it up, have himself some fun this weekend. He wants the blue pills.
Dr. House:
You're talking about your penis in the third person.
Willie:
Me and him, two people.
Dr. House:
Separate vacations? That'd be a drag for one of you. I don't think you need the pills. I think you have a conflict of medications. You need to up your insulin to "chocolate chip ice cream" levels.
Willie:
Insulin?
Dr. House:
Yeah, you remember. That's the stuff you take for the diabetes that you forgot to tell the nurse about. Your hands. No hair, which means nerve damage. And your shoes look about two sizes too small, which means you've lost sensation in your feet. And then there's your pants.
Willie:
My pants tell you I have diabetes?
Dr. House:
No, they tell me you're an idiot. Powdered sugar on the right pant leg. Based on the two napkins in your right pocket, I'm willing to bet it's not your first donut of the day.
[House's beeper beeps, then he gives him a prescription]
Willie:
You're giving me the pills?
Dr. House:
Sure, why not? If you've got heart disease from ignoring the diabetes, they'll kill you. Otherwise, you two have a fun weekend.
John:
So you came here to tell me that even if I can't walk, I can still hear the birds sing, enjoy a rainbow, the feeling of sunshine on my face?
Dr. House:
Those things are fun.
[John smiles]
Dr. House:
Ok. Life sucks. Your life sucks more than most. It's not as bad as some, which is depressing all by itself.
John:
You don't risk jail and your career just to save somebody who doesn't want to be saved unless you got something, anything, one thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that's because they don't got that one thing that hits them that hard and that true. I got music; you got this. The thing you think about all the time, the thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we miss out on is everything else. No woman waiting at home after work with the drink and the kiss. That ain't gonna happen for us.
Dr. House:
That's why God made microwaves.
John:
Yeah. But when it's over... It's over.
Dr. Wilson:
So your philosophy is, "If they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down."
Dr. House:
Yeah. My old philosophy used to be "Live and let live," but I'm taking this needlepoint class and they gave us these really big pillows.
Dr. House:
I checked him out, he's a great doctor. You think he's better than I am?
Dr. Foreman:
Is this about your ego?
Dr. House:
Answer the question, that won't change how I think about myself. Might affect my opinion of you, but that shouldn't affect your opinion of yourself... Now I'm getting confused. If you think he's a better doctor than I am you should take the job. Otherwise, you should get him to buy you two or three more nostalgic lunches and then politely decline.
Dr. Foreman:
It's that simple? I should just ignore the mockery and abuse?
Dr. House:
Oh how do I abuse you?
Dr. Foreman:
How do you not? If I make a mistake...
Dr. House:
I hold you accountable, so what?
Dr. Foreman:
Dr. Hamilton forgives, he's capable of moving on.
Dr. House:
That is not what he does.
Dr. Foreman:
I screwed up his case. He told me...
Dr. House:
He never said you were forgiven. I was there, he said it was not your fault.
Dr. Foreman:
So?
Dr. House:
So, it was. You took a chance, you did something great. You were wrong, but it was great. You should feel great it was great; you should feel like crap that it was wrong, but that's the difference between him and me. He thinks you do your job, and what will be, will be. I think that what I do and what you do matters. He sleeps better at night. He shouldn't.
[House is walking out of the hospital after curing John Henry, he pops a pair of Vicodin as he walks up behind him]
John:
Dr. House.
Dr. House:
You're being released?
John:
I have a limo waiting outside.
Dr. House:
I bet I can beat you to the car.
[John laughs]
Dr. House:
You seem much more easily amused when you can walk.
John:
What a surprise.
[pause]
I want you to have this.
[hands him his trumpet]
Dr. House:
Wow....
John:
You can sell it if you'd like, probably fetch a good price on eBay. Just promise me you won't play.
Dr. House:
Thank you.
John:
[pointing at House's Vicodin bottle]
So how many of those pills are you taking?
Dr. House:
I'm in pain.
John:
[chuckles]
Yeah... aren't we all?
[they walk towards the door]
John:
So where do you get these things? Do they have cane stores?
Dr. House:
Don't worry, you'll be walking before you need another one.
Histories [1.10]
Dr. House:
[breaking up an argument between Dr. Wilson and Dr. Foreman]
Okay, you two! Grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.
Student:
You're reading a comic book.
Dr. House:
And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.
[the student covers her chest with her clipboard]
Dr. House:
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature.
Dr. Wilson:
You really don't need to know everything about everybody.
Dr. House:
I don't need to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.
[House is snooping through Wilson's file to try and find out why Wilson is insisting on a homeless woman being treated]
Dr. Wilson:
You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word "friend" can also be translated as "limping twerp."
[House's pager starts beeping]
Dr. Wilson:
Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditching the conversation?
Dr. House:
Why can't both be true?
Dr. House:
You gonna tell me why this case?
Dr. Wilson:
She's my new girlfriend. I'm having a tattoo designed, I was hoping you could find out her name.
Dr. House:
So, she's just another sick person the kindly Dr. Wilson has made sure doesn't get lost in the big ugly system.
Dr. Wilson:
Yes, I forgot, I need a reason to give a crap.
Dr. House:
You're giving two craps.
Dr. Wilson:
The metric system always confuses me.
[Dr. Cuddy walks up with two female students wearing lab coats]
Dr. Cuddy:
Dr. House.
Dr. House:
Time for Girl Scout cookies already?
Dr. Wilson:
Get me some Thin Mints.
[leaves]
Dr. Chase:
You're joking.
Dr. House:
Well, hard not to - nothing funnier than cancer.
[in Cuddy's office with Foreman]
Dr. House:
Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us!
[to Foreman]
Dr. House:
Go check out the hood, dawg.
Student:
I thought you were supposed to be listening to our patient histories.
Dr. House:
Nope. I'm supposed to be teaching you. If I can do that without listening, more power to me.
Dr. House:
Lesson to be learned: treat everybody as if they have Korsakoff's, we all lie anyway.
[House is looking at a comic drawn by a patient, using clues to figure out her identity]
Dr. House:
Philadelphia. Look at that skyline. It's very evocative. The Chrysler Building.
Dr. Foreman:
That's a cloud.
Dr. Cameron:
And the Chrysler Building's in New York.
Dr. House:
Eh, I'm getting Philly. And that cactus, well, that's a smashed car? Car accident!
Dr. Cameron:
A cactus in Philly?
Dr. House:
Water?
[to Wilson]
Well, water's October, right?
Dr. Wilson:
Obviously.
Dr. House:
The page number's 22, so that's October 2nd, 2002. Ergo, the patient was in a car accident two years ago last October.
Dr. Wilson:
My goodness! Was she okay?
Dr. House:
Broke her arm, I think. And they fixed it, with this.
[holds up surgical pin from the patient's arm]
Dr. House:
Surgical pin. Better than a wallet. Serial number, in case you recall, are tied to a patient's name.
Detox [1.11]
Dr. Cuddy:
You know, there are other ways to manage pain.
Dr. House:
Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?
[House barges into the operating theater without scrubbing down.]
Dr. House:
Stop the gases.
Dr. Hourani:
What the hell are you doing, House?!
Dr. House:
Saving a sixteen year old kid from a lifetime of immunosuppressant drugs and a very nasty scar. This kid does not have lupoid hepatitis. He has acute naphthalene toxicity.
Dr. Hourani:
Naphthalene? You're talking about mothballs?
Dr. House:
Nope. Termites, which produce naphthalene to protect their nest, which I'm assuming is fairly large and in all four walls of his bedroom at home.
Dr. Hourani:
And your assumption is based on.... What?
Dr. House:
The autopsy I just conducted on his pet cat.
Dr. Hourani:
Call Cuddy. And security.
Dr. House:
You're not removing that kid's liver.
Dr. Hourani:
Now!
[House retches and spits on Hourani.]
Dr. Hourani:
GAH! Have you COMPLETELY lost your mind?!
Dr. House:
No, but I've been feeling sick lately.
[House sneezes onto some tissue and drops it next to the surgery tools, then leaves without waiting for a response.]
Anesthesiologist:
There's no way we can do this surgery now.
Dr. Hourani:
You think?!
[House has just admitted he is addicted to Vicodin.]
Dr. House:
I said I was an addict, I didn't say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.
Dr. Wilson:
That all you want? You have no relationships.
Dr. House:
I don't want any relationships.
Dr. Wilson:
You alienate people.
Dr. House:
I've been alienating people since I was three.
Dr. Wilson:
Oh, come on! Drop it! You don't think you've changed over the last few years?
Dr. House:
Well, of course I have. I've gotten older. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes I'm lonely. Sometimes I wonder what it all means.
Dr. Wilson:
No. I was there. You are not just some regular guy who's getting older. You've changed! You're miserable! And you're scared to face yourself-
Dr. House:
[slams his cane on the shelf]
OF COURSE I'VE CHANGED!
Dr. Wilson:
[pause]
And everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills?
Dr. House:
They let me do my job. And they take away my pain.
Dr. House:
His liver is shutting down.
Father:
What? What does that mean?
Dr. House:
Means he's all better, he can go home.
Father:
What?
Dr. House:
What do you think it means? He can't live without a liver, he's dying.
Father:
What is your problem?
Dr. House:
Bum leg, what's yours?
Pharmacist:
Okay, pharmaceuticals were delivered this morning, but shipping accidentally sent the box with Vicodin to research.
Dr. House:
Hmmm. That's a tough one. If only we had some way to communicate with another part of the building.
[He picks up the phone.]
Dr. Cuddy:
You're addicted.
Dr. House:
If the pills ran my life, I'd agree with you, but it's my leg busy calendaring what I can't do.
Dr. Wilson:
She's hot, so she's a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?
Dr. House:
The envious, jealous, I-never-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic, hello!
Dr. House:
I take risks; sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes more patients to die, so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.
Dr. House:
I said I was an addict. I didn't say I had a problem.
Sports Medicine [1.12]
Dr. House:
Now why would a guy in his twenties have a poor kidney?
Dr. Cameron:
Cancer. It first attacks the bones, and then the kidneys.
Dr. House:
Come on, people!
[Pulls out Hank's baseball card]
Dr. House:
He was 17 and 7! His ERA was 2.10!
Dr. Cameron:
You want it to be his kidneys, because if it's his kidneys, then maybe we can treat it, maybe we can fix it. And if it's cancer, then he'll never pitch again. If this were a regular guy who came in and broke his arm lifting a box, you would've packed him up and sent him home!
Dr. House:
My God, you're right, I lost my head. All life is equally sacred. And I promise you, the next knitting injury that comes in here, we're on it like stink on cheese.
Patient #3:
I can't get my contact lenses out-
Dr. House:
Out of what? They're not in your eyes.
Patient #3:
But they're red.
Dr. House:
That's because you're trying to remove your corneas.
[moves to next patient]
What's wrong with you?
Patient #4:
Uh, lately, my wife has noticed that...
Dr. House:
Yeah, yeah. Symptoms,
[gestures at Cuddy]
we're working on a personal best here.
Patient #4:
Numbness in my feet and hands, constipation...
Dr. House:
And?
Dr. Cuddy:
Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable talking about his private matters...
Dr. House:
Well, neither would I, if I was having trouble controlling my pee pee!
[to patient]
Dr. House:
You're a dentist. Nitrous oxide poisoning, which means you're either dipping into your own supply, or you've got a bad valve in the office. Laughing gas rehab's probably more expensive than the plumber. Meanwhile, get yourself some B12.
[moves to college student]
Dr. House:
Who's left?
College Student:
I can't see.
[House and Cuddy look appalled]
Nah, I'm just screwing with you.
[House looks at Cuddy, who smiles]
It's a hangover, my English Lit professor told me he'd fail me next time if I didn't show up with a doctor's note.
Dr. House:
Well, make friends with the dentist. He can give you a note, and maybe a little nitrous to take the edge off.
[he looks at the clock and walks out]
Hank:
I am clean, man, no steroids, no nothing.
Dr. House:
Your lips say no, your prunes say yes.
Lola:
You got a big "Keep Out" sign stapled on your forehead.
Dr. House:
That explains it, I told them to put it on my door.
Lola:
Even if real human contact is something you don't have or even want or need, you should at least be able to see it in other people.
Dr. House:
Yeah. Right. True love. That's just how we match organs these days. There's a couple in France, high school sweethearts - they're trading brains.
Dr. House:
What, you're saying I've only got one friend?
Dr. Wilson:
Uh, and who...?
Dr. House:
Kevin, in Bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson:
Okay, well first of all, his name's Carl.
Dr. House:
I call him Kevin. It's his secret "friendship club" name.
Dr. Cameron:
Would you give up a baby for someone you love?
Dr. House:
Please tell me I don't have to decide. Depends, how long would they live?
Dr. Cameron:
Is this a pragmatic question for you?
Dr. House:
Fifty years, no problem. Six months, I say let 'em die. Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought, and my personal tipping point is seven years, eight months, and 14 days.
Dr. House:
You see, kidneys don't wear watches. Sure, gallbladders do, but it doesn't matter, 'cause kidneys can't tell time.
Dr. House:
Less money is made by biochemists working on a cure for cancer than by their colleagues struggling valiantly to find ways to hide steroid use.
Lola:
He drops clean urine, denies using steroids, and you're giving him a drug for what, steroid abuse?
Dr. House:
No, no, it's not. No, it's got calcium in it. It's very good for the bones. Basically, at a molecular level, it's just milk.
[Lola leaves]
Dr. House:
How long do you figure before I get a call from Cuddy?
Dr. Cuddy:
You put him on Lupron.
Dr. House:
Uh-huh.
Dr. Cuddy:
And, you told them it was like milk.
Dr. House:
Yes.
Dr. Cuddy:
Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. House:
It's creamy. But, I had three reasons.
Dr. Cuddy:
Good ones?
Dr. House:
Well, we'll see in a minute; I'm just making them up now.
Cursed [1.13]
Dr. Cuddy:
Twelve year old male, spiking fever, congested chest, coughing up green sputum, shortness of breath, pain in breathing...
Dr. House:
Baffling, though I vaguely recall a disease called moonomia...noo-mania...?
Dr. Cuddy:
But his test showed an atypical pattern for pneumonia.
Dr. House:
Pneumonia! That's the one!
Dr. Chase:
How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?
Dr. House:
I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life.
Dr. Chase:
[about his father]
I don't hate him. I loved him until I figured out it hurts a lot less to just not care. You don't expect him to turn up to your football match? No disappointments. You don't expect a call on your birthday, don't expect to see him for months? No disappointments. You want us to go make up? Sink a few beers together, nice family hug? I've given him enough hugs. He's given me enough disappointments.
Jeffrey Reilich:
You're treating him for both diseases?
Dr. Foreman:
Covering all the bases.
Jeffrey Reilich:
What, throw everything against the wall and see what sticks?
Dr. Chase:
Works for spaghetti.
[Everyone stares at him]
Dr. Cuddy:
Just enlarged hilar lymph nodes.
Dr. House:
Tiny unicorns goring his bronchial tubes would be cooler.
Dr. House:
Take another history. Even if we don't figure out what's causing this, we definitely need to know if twelve-year-olds are getting any action.
Dr. Wilson:
You want to get to the bottom of this, you're doing it exactly right
don't talk to the people involved. Drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation.
Dr. House:
You want to know how two chemicals interact. Do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
Dr. Wilson:
God! Even I don't like you.
Dr. House:
You know, words can hurt.
Dr. House:
But the patient's getting better.
Dr. Chase:
In spite of the Cytoxin.
Dr. House:
On the other hand... getting better.
Dr. Chase:
Cytoxin makes him more susceptible to infection. The anthrax could relapse and be more resistant.
Dr. House:
Better!
Dr. Chase:
You want a negative test on every autoimmune disease known to man? Fine!
Dr. House:
Be home by midnight or you can't have the car this weekend.
Dr. Cameron:
Parents are never as bad as kids think they are.
Control [1.14]
[The hospital's just been bought by billionaire drug mogul Edward Vogler]
Dr. House:
No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator with blood. Boys' choirs. Those are bad omens. This is much more mundane. A billionaire wants to get laid.
Dr. Wilson:
Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. House:
And the reason you want respect...?
Dr. Wilson:
To... get laid.
Dr. Cuddy:
I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. House:
I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
Dr. House:
She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.
Dr. House:
Haven't done the MUGA.
Dr. Wilson:
Then how do you know she needs a heart transplant?
Dr. House:
I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.
[about Vogler being appointed board chairman of the hospital]
Dr. Cameron:
That's not necessarily bad news.
Dr. Foreman:
Do you ever watch "Gilligan's Island" reruns and really, really think they're going to get off the island this time?
Dr. Wilson:
She was uncomfortable doing any more tests! I had to convince her to do that one!
Dr. House:
Do you get that often? Women would rather die than get naked with you?
Dr. House:
You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities.
Dr. Wilson:
Our friendship is an ethical responsibility.
Dr. House:
Why are you doing this?
Dr. Cameron:
I'm not doing anything.
Dr. House:
You're manipulating everyone.
Dr. Cameron:
People... dismiss me. Because I'm a woman, because I'm pretty, because I'm not agressive. My opinions shouldn't be rejected just because people don't like me.
Dr. House:
They like you. Everyone likes you.
[he starts to walk away]
Dr. Cameron:
Do you? I have to know.
Dr. House:
No.
Dr. Cameron:
[smiles quietly]
Okay.
[Vogler has reason to believe House lied during the transplant committee meeting]
Vogler:
This is not a game, Dr. House.
Dr. House:
No, this is more like we're dancing right now.
Mob Rules [1.15]
Bill:
His name's Joey, he's my only brother.
Dr. House:
He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him, we'll use the real medicine.
Dr. Chase:
You can trust me.
Dr. House:
Problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway, you've been a big help.
Dr. House:
Need the lawyer.
Vogler:
Who'd you kill?
Dr. House:
Nobody, but it's not even lunch.
Dr. House:
We're a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with patients when they're actually sick.
Dr. Foreman:
You thought he was being poisoned by hemlock? Dr. Euripides tell you to check for that?
Dr. Cameron:
I don't have the right to show interest in someone?
Dr. Foreman:
You absolutely do, and I absolutely have the right to humiliate you for it.
Bill:
You wanna get hit, too?
Dr. House:
That would be quite a trick. "He slapped me so hard his brother turned straight."
Bill:
Joey is not gay.
Dr. House:
Maybe not gay. But certainly delightful. And hitting a doctor. Even if it was only Chase... And then asking another to keep his chart fresh and homo free.
Dr. House:
That's what I love about you mob guys: so tolerant of others, so accepting. Only way he was coming out was way, way out. Lose the tattoos, change his name, move to another town; how's a guy like him going to do that? Witness protection. It's not just for witnesses any more.
Heavy [1.16]
Dr. Wilson:
The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor is extremely large, at least thirty pounds.
Lucille:
Oh, God.
Dr. House:
It's actually a personal record for this clinic.
Dr. House:
You ever see an infected pierced scrotum?
Dr. Cuddy:
Um, no, but I know a few people on whom I'd like to see it happen.
Dr. Foreman:
Ten year olds do not have heart attacks. It's gotta be a mistake.
Dr. House:
Right. The simplest explanation is she's a forty-year-old lying about her age. Maybe an actress trying to hang on.
Lucille:
It's really bad, especially at night. It's like my heart is on fire, like it's, uh, oh, I don't know, like it's...
Dr. House:
Burning?
Lucille:
Exactly!
Dr. House:
Hmm, sounds almost like heartburn.
Lucille:
So, can you give me something?
Dr. House:
Like a thesaurus?
Lucille:
I'm not pregnant.
Dr. House:
Sorry, you don't get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules.
Lucille:
This, is what a woman is supposed to look like. We're not just skin and bones - we have flesh. We have curves.
Dr. House:
You have little people inside you.
[Dr. House has been told to fire one of his doctors]
Dr. House:
I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it would be more cost-efficient to let me keep all of them.
Dr. Wilson:
Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers.
Dr. House:
It will be more cost-efficient once I've grabbed Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase, well, I can grab his ass, too.
Dr. Wilson:
You are uniquely talented in many areas, but office politics is not one of them.
Dr. House:
Figures you'd try and come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The problem is, the world doesn't work that way just 'cause you want it to.
Dr. Cameron:
Figures you'd stall and refuse to deal with the issue. Problem is, the world doesn't go away just because you want it to.
Dr. House:
Physician-patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations.
Role Model [1.17]
Dr. Cameron:
[reading from press release]
"Eastbrook Pharmaceuticals are pleased to announce that Dr. Gregory House will present the latest research on their exciting new ACE inhibitor."
Dr. Chase:
You're making that up. That's Vogler's company.
Dr. Cameron:
Press release. Doing an address at the North American Cardiology Conference.
Dr. Chase:
House never gives speeches!
Dr. House:
[entering the room]
But when I really believe in something... Gosh dang it, I've got a chance to make a difference here.
Dr. House:
He didn't have any reason to lie.
Dr. Wilson:
Everybody lies...Except politicians? House, I believe you're a romantic. You didn't just believe him - you believed in him. You want to come over tonight and watch old movies and cry?
[pauses, points]
Dr. Wilson:
Dr. Cameron's getting to you. Well, I guess you can't be around that much niceness and not get any on you.
Dr. House:
Is that why you haven't put the moves on her?
Dr. Wilson:
What makes you think I haven't put the moves on her?
[House stops and stares]
Dr. Wilson:
Oh.
[whispers]
Oh boy! You're in trouble.
[laughs and exits]
Dr. Cameron:
Do you know why people believe in God?
Dr. House:
I thought you didn't believe in God.
Dr. Cameron:
I don't.
Dr. House:
Well then, you'd better be making a very good point.
Dr. Cameron:
Do you think they pray to Him and praise Him because they want Him to know how great He is? God already knows that.
Dr. House:
Are you ... Comparing me to God? I mean, that's great, but just so you know, I've never made a tree.
Dr. Cameron:
I thank you because it means something to me. To be grateful for what I receive.
Dr. House:
You are the most naive atheist I've ever met.... People pray so that God won't crush them like bugs. I'm not gonna crush you.
Dr. Cuddy:
In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!
Dr. House:
Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.
Dr. Cameron:
[giving differential diagnosis]
Idiopathic T-cell deficiency?
Dr. House:
Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we're idiots 'cause we can't figure out what's causing it. Give him a whole body scan.
Dr. Cameron:
You hate whole body scans.
Dr. House:
'Cause they're useless. Could probably scan every one of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer. But, when you're 4th-down, 100 to go, in the snow, you don't call a running play up the middle. Unless you're the Jets.
[House leaves]
Dr. Cameron:
I hate sports metaphors.
Dr. Cuddy:
You're not doing a brain biopsy on a spot on an MRI.
Dr. House:
Where'd you get that?
Dr. Cuddy:
Not on a United States Senator.
Dr. House:
Oh, just so I'm clear: if he was a janitor, that would be okay. Do you have a list?
Dr. House:
[to Senator]
You're not going to become President either way. They don't call it the White House because of the paint job.
Dr. House:
Someday there will be a gay president. Someday there will be a black president. There might even be a gay black president. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black and dead.
Dr. Cuddy:
Why do you have to make everything so dramatic?
Dr. House:
Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog!
[Barks and growls at people in the elevator]
Dr. House:
[Regarding the speech promoting a new product Vogler is forcing him to give]
I am selling my soul.
Dr. Wilson:
Just a little piece. And you are getting something in return.
Dr. House:
I said I was selling it. I didn't say I was giving it away. That would be immoral and stupid.
Dr. House:
[at press convention]
Ed Vogler is a brilliant businessman, a brilliant judge of people, and a man who has never lost a fight. You know how I know that the new ACE inhibitor is good? Because the old one was good. The new one is really the same, it's just more expensive. A lot more expensive. See, that's another example of Ed's brilliance. Whenever one of his drugs is about to lose its patent he has his boys and girls alter it just a tiny bit and patent it all over again. Making not just a pointless new pill, but millions and millions of dollars. Which is good for everybody, right? Except for the patients. Psht. Who cares? They're just so damn sick. God obviously never liked them anyway.
[Chase chugs his champagne.]
[edit] Babies & Bathwater [1.18]
Dr. House:
Hey! You're killing her!
Vogler:
Really? See, I thought you were the one trying to ram her into a drug trial-
Dr. House:
She knows the risks! She was fully informed!
Vogler:
Well the guy running the study sure wasn't.
Dr. House:
Not his life, not his call!
Vogler:
His study, his call!
Dr. House:
Right, so she kicks off, his numbers look bad!
Vogler:
The numbers look bad, the study looks bad.
Dr. House:
Which would cost you money.
Vogler:
Yeah, and keep a life-saving protocol off the market.
Dr. House:
One person, one blip in the data!
Vogler:
You ever heard of the FDA? They eat blips for breakfast! One person should never endanger thousands!
Dr. House:
Well thank God you were here to save all those lives!
Dr. House:
Did you make a pass at Cuddy? I told you: she only has thighs for me.
Dr. House:
She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. Now I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink.
Rachel Kaplan:
Well there's this diet we put her on when she stopped breast feeding...
Andrew Kaplan:
But it's healthy, um, raw food. We're vegans. Almond milk, tofu, uh, vegetables...
Dr. House:
Raw food... If only her ancestors had mastered the secret of fire. Babies need fat, proteins, calories. Less important: sprouts and hemp. Starving babies is bad and illegal in many cultures. I'm having her admitted.
Dr. House:
Don't worry, it's a vegan I.V.
[House is dreaming that Vogler has cancer]
Vogler:
So, there is some hope.
Dr. House:
Always. But just in case, I special-ordered a jumbo-sized coffin.
Vogler:
Hey ...
Dr. House:
Don't thank me. It's just who I am.
Dr. House:
Sorry, up late. Internet porn.
Dr. Chase:
How come you're not in your office?
Dr. House:
Because there is a computer in my office. If I log on, romance will ensue. My wrist might fall off.
Dr. House:
I really should have kept Cameron. She knew where to find the sugar.
Dr. Chase:
It's what I said. Pre-eclampsia. A little stress from the MRA and she pops right into labor.
Dr. House:
A-ha!
[holds up a packet of sugar]
Dr. Wilson:
I have no kids, my marriage sucks... I only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid screwed up friendship, and neither mattered enough for you to give one lousy speech.
Dr. House:
They matter... If I could do it all again...
Dr. Wilson:
...You'd do the exact same thing.
Kids [1.19]
Dr. House:
I saw the light on.
Dr. Cameron:
It's daytime.
Dr. House:
Yeah. It's a figure of speech. Always so literal.
[pause]
Dr. Cameron:
Got a new cane.
Dr. House:
Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe...
Dr. Cameron:
Why are you here?
Dr. House:
Vogler is dead.
Dr. Cameron:
What? What happened?
Dr. House:
Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea. Mr. Destructo. Mr. Money Bags, "Bow down before me"; he's gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were.
Dr. Cameron:
The way they were was kinda weird.
Dr. House:
Ehh...weird works for me.
Dr. Cameron:
What are you saying? Literally?
Dr. House:
I want you to come back.
Dr. Cameron:
Why?
[House's beeper goes off, Cameron crosses her arms]
Dr. House:
Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it's the whole thing...
Dr. Cameron:
Could you look at your pager?
[he does]
Dr. House:
It's no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area.
Dr. Cameron:
You should go, it's important.
Dr. House:
What I'm doing now is important.
Dr. Cameron:
Why do you want me back?
Dr. House:
Because you're a good doctor.
Dr. Cameron:
That's it?
Dr. House:
That's not enough?
Dr. Cameron:
Not for me. Go deal with your plague.
[she shuts the door in his face]
[House walks into hospital and sees room full of possible epidemic patients and turns around towards exit]
Dr. Cuddy:
Dr. House! We need you here.
Dr. House:
Sorry, lotta sick people. I might catch something.
Dr. Roger Spain:
Wow, I thought you'd be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
Dr. House:
Nonconformity; right... I can't remember the last time saw a twenty something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker! You want to be a rebel; stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does, and get a hair cut. Like the Asian kids that don't leave the library for a twenty hours stretch. They're the ones that don't care what you think.
[pause]
Dr. House:
Sayonara
[Dr. Spain exits office]
Dr. Wilson:
So, should I go through all the resumes looking for Asian names?
Dr. House:
Actually, the Asian kids are probably just responding to parental pressure, but my point is still valid.
Dr. House:
You Jewish?
Dr. Petra Gilmar:
[Keeping her cool]
Yes.
Dr. House:
Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?
Dr. Wilson:
[Desperate to change the subject]
Uh, uh...
Dr. Petra Gilmar:
Two hours of begging?
Dr. House:
I heard four.
Dr. Petra Gilmar:
Well, actually I'm only half Jewish.
Dr. House:
Did you see her shoes?
Dr. Wilson:
Her shoes? What, did your horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women wearing green shoes?
Dr. House:
The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.
Dr. Wilson:
They were Prada, which means she has good taste.
Dr. House:
They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.
Dr. Wilson:
Okay, well... they were nice, pointy.
Dr. House:
Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
Dr. Cuddy:
Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're...
[House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
Dr. Cuddy:
What are you doing?
Dr. House:
Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
[Wilson smirks]
Dr. Cuddy:
I am working, it got hot, stop acting like a 13-year-old!
Dr. House:
Sorry, you just don't usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
[Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest]
Dr. Cuddy:
Oh, women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
Dr. House:
No, they can be babes. You just don't usually see their funbags.
Dr. Wilson:
You had the perfect person, and you blew it.
Dr. House:
You saw the shoes!
Dr. Wilson:
I'm not talking about her.
Dr. House:
You're talking about Cameron.
Dr. Wilson:
I'm talking about every woman you've ever given a damn about.
Dr. House:
Cameron is so not perfect.
Dr. Wilson:
Nobody's perfect.
Dr. House:
Mother Theresa?
Dr. Wilson:
Dead.
Dr. House:
Angelina Jolie?
Dr. Wilson:
No medical degree.
Dr. House:
Oh, so now who's being picky?
Mary:
You're going to tell my parents?
Dr. House:
Someone should. Rock paper scissors?
Mary:
They don't need to know. I'll be all right.
Dr. House:
Of course you will. If you're old enough to bleed out of your vagina, obviously you're old enough to handle a simple thing like an abortion without Mommy and Daddy's help.
Dr. Wilson:
You're not going to be happy with anyone.
Dr. House:
So what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy?
Dr. Wilson:
No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.
Love Hurts [1.20]
Dr. Wilson:
[about Cameron]
So she's really coming back?
Patient:
Who's coming back?
Dr. House:
You don't know her.
Dr. Wilson:
You give her a raise? Increase her benefits?
Dr. House:
Don't have TiVo on this thing, can't rewind. Shut up.
Patient:
You lower her hours?
Dr. House:
You don't even know her!
Dr. Wilson:
Who is this guy?
Dr. House:
He's a patient.
Patient:
He's examining me.
Dr. House:
He's got to go back to work as soon as I'm done with the examination. Guess I do too.
Dr. Wilson:
It's got to be something. I mean, she didn't come back because she likes you.
[House gets a strange look on his face]
Dr. Wilson:
Wait a minute! She did come back because she likes you!
Patient:
Heh heh! You dog! You slept with her!
Dr. House:
Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check.
[to Wilson]
Dr. House:
I've agreed to take her on one date.
Dr. Wilson:
What?
Patient:
So you into this girl?
Dr. Wilson:
Yes.
Dr. House:
No! She's not giving me any choice.
Patient:
Wait... she's making you do her?
Dr. House:
Date her.
Dr. Wilson:
Young ingénue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet gentle nature bring him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart.
Patient:
[puts his arm around House's shoulders]
Do her, or you're gay.
Dr. House:
For God's sake.
[grabs TV and as he's walking out the door]
Dr. Wilson & Patient:
...sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
Dr. House:
Grow up. And learn to harmonize.
Dr. Cameron:
[Referring to Dr. House]
He agreed to go on a date with me.
Dr. Foreman:
A date? Date, dinner and a movie, naked and sweaty date?
Dr. Cameron:
He only committed to the first two.
Ramona:
My OB-GYN died recently. Nice man. Warm hands.
Dr. House:
Not anymore.
Dr. House:
Wow. Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.
Dr. Cuddy:
Well...
Dr. House:
Actually, it was your blouse I was talking about.
Dr. Foreman:
Hey, I've been on the scene more than you recently.
Dr. House:
Way ahead of you. I've got a case of malt liquor stashed in the trunk, Mr. Marvin Gaye on the CD. We are gonna get all the way down.
Dr. House:
The Love Doctor has made an art of breaking up with women. 'Cause you're convinced that the loss of you would be too devastating for any woman to handle.
Dr. Foreman:
Yeah, I'm the one with the serious ego problem here.
Dr. House:
[after Dr. Cameron inquired what to wear on their date]
That would be army boots and a T-shirt. It's the County Fair Paintball Tournament. First prize is 50 bucks. I'll split it with you if you can hold up an end.
Dr. Cameron:
That's not quite what I had in mind.
Dr. House:
Relax, I made reservations at Café Splazzio. In relation to your wardrobe, are you too young to remember Spandex?
Dr. Cameron
[smiling]
I'm sure I'll figure something out.
Dr. Wilson:
[House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron]
The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.
Dr. House:
This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.
Dr. Wilson:
Open doors for her, help her with her chair...
Dr. House:
I have been on a date.
Dr. Wilson:
Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A.: her Dreams, Hopes, and Aspirations. Trust me. Panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some.
Dr. House:
[sarcastically]
Did your wife give them to you?
Dr. Wilson:
Drug rep. They got antibiotics built in, somehow.
Dr. House:
I should cancel. I've got a patient in surgery tomorrow.
[House moves to the kitchen]
Dr. Wilson:
And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter. That's a good idea, settle your nerves. Get me a beer too.
Dr. House:
No beer.
Dr. Wilson:
You're gonna eat before dinner?
[House reaches into the fridge and takes out a corsage]
Dr. House:
This is pretty lame, right?
Dr. Wilson:
I think she likes lame.
Dr. Cameron:
I like this place.
Dr. House:
It's changed a lot since I was last here. Used to be a strip joint.
Dr. Cameron:
I have one evening with you, one chance. And I don't want to waste it talking about what movies you like or what wines you hate. I want to know how you feel...About me.
Dr. House:
You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn't perfect. That's why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don't love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your new charity case. That's why you're going out with me. I'm twice your age, I'm not great-looking, I'm not charming; I'm not even nice. What I am is what you need. I'm damaged.
Dr. House:
Humiliation comes in all kinds of packages. People finding out that your son's a perv, that's pretty high up there. People finding out that you'd rather let your son die than sign a piece of paper, where's that rank?
Three Stories [1.21]
Stacy:
I need your help.
[hands House films on a patient]
Dr. House:
Who am I looking at?
Stacy:
My husband.
Dr. House:
Who is suffering abdominal pain and fainting spells. No sign of tumors, no vasculitis. Could be indigestion, or maybe a kidney stone. A little one can pack a lot of wallop.
Stacy:
Did you think I would never get married?
Dr. House:
Not to someone so poorly endowed. This guy's pancreas is pathetic.
Medical student #1:
We're supposed to know how fast snakes make their venom?
Dr. House:
Nope. Unless you've got a patient bit by one. Then it might be helpful.
Dr. House:
Would you operate on your mother?
Medical student #2:
Of course not. I'd be too nervous, couldn't be objective.
Dr. House:
Then why are you so anxious to treat everyone like they were family?
Dr. House:
I'm sure this goes against everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is, maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is, doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.
[House is confronted by the Third Patient outside First Patient's room]
Third Patient:
It hurts again.
[Cut back to the classroom]
Medical student #2:
He came back again?
Dr. House:
[while popping a Vicodin]
On average, drug addicts are stupid.
Medical student #3:
Wait, wait, wait... The guy's dying and all he cares about is his dog?
Dr. House:
Any of you guys go the dog route in your improv sessions? It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The weird thing about telling someone they're dying is it tends to focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. What they're willing to lie for.
Dr. House:
I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see visions, this patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.
Dr. Foreman:
You choose to believe that?
Dr. House:
There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.
Dr. Cameron:
You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?
Dr. House:
I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.
Carmen Electra:
Can I put my pants back on?
Dr. House:
I rather you didn't.
Dr. House:
It is in the nature of medicine that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can't handle that reality, pick another profession. Or finish medical school and teach.
The Honeymoon [1.22]
Dr. Cameron:
[Coffee mug in hand, standing next to the whiteboard with one arm draped over it]
Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars?
[Foreman and Chase stare at her]
I'm being House. It's funny.
Dr. Foreman:
[Deadpan]
I know. You made milk come out of my nose.
Dr. Cameron:
Previous tests revealed nothing that would cause abdominal pain or the mood swings.
Dr. House:
Then we're done! What do you think, ball game? Zoo? I don't care, I just want to hang with you guys.
Dr. House:
Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that's negative, ultrasound his belly. If that's negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. Did I miss anything?
Dr. Chase:
Kitchen sink?
Dr. House:
Well, we could certainly give that a... Oh, you minx.
Dr. House:
Yeah, sorry, that was me. I had to dope him up to get him in here. Guy doesn't think he's sick.
Dr. Cameron:
Who does?
Dr. House:
His wife.
Dr. Cameron:
The woman you used to live with.
Dr. House:
That's her Indian name. On her driver's license it's Stacy. I assume you have a point.
Dr. Cameron:
You believe her over the patient himself. That's why we're taking this case.
Dr. House:
The truth, I hear voices. All the time. Telling me to do stuff, it's crazy, huh?
Dr. Cameron:
What happened to "everybody lies"?
Dr. House:
I was lying.
Stacy:
[near tears]
Please, if you're right this may be his only shot.
Dr. House:
So what's your plan? You take the big, dark one, I've got the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough.
Dr. Cuddy:
[Catching up with House in the main lobby]
I want to run something by you.
Dr. House:
[loudly]
I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that first time. All that desperate, administrative need.
Dr. Cameron:
Any family history?
Stacy:
Of? Whacked-outness? His sister voted for Nader, twice. That's about it.
Stacy:
He's sick, paranoid, and you keep hammering him about me?
Dr. House:
The questions were designed to define the operational parameters of his limbic system.
Stacy:
Elevate the words all you want; you were just screwing with him. Low even by your standards.
Dr. House:
Medical screwing: it's what I do.
Dr. House:
[on the phone, to Foreman]
Dr. Mandingo, you're needed at the plantation house.
Dr. House:
Here's to women. Can't live with them, can't kill them and tell the neighbors they're stripping in Atlantic City.
Mark:
Damn straight.
[they chug their beers, trying to finish first]
Dr. House:
I'm definitely taller.
Mark:
I have more hair.
Dr. House:
If you can fake sincerity, you can fake pretty much anything.
Dr. Wilson:
Hey, you have to treat this like a regular case.
[House gets into the elevator]
Dr. Wilson:
Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant.
Dr. House:
Please, don't put me on a pedestal.
Stacy:
Mark, this is what he thinks is wrong with you.
Mark:
You trust his judgment more than mine?
Stacy:
His medical judgment.
Mark:
And you'd bet my life on that.
Stacy:
I would.
Mark:
Well I don't.
Dr. House:
Smart. Too bad you're paralyzed.
Season 2
Acceptance [2.1]
Assistant:
You can't go in there.
Dr. House:
Who are you? And why are you wearing a tie?
Assistant:
I'm Dr Cuddy's new Assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?
Dr. House:
Yes! I would like to know why she gets a Secretary and I don't.
Assistant:
I'm her Assistant, not her Secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.
Dr. House:
Hmm... I didn't know they had a Secretarial School. Well, I hope you took some classes in Sexual Harrassment Law. Does the word Ka-Ching mean anything to you? I'm going in now.
Dr. House:
You met me at a strip club.
Stacy:
You were the worst two dollars I ever spent.
Dr. House:
Death row guy. I want the case.
Dr. Cuddy:
How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.
Dr. House:
No, but "partypants" does.
Dr. Cuddy:
You stole my password?
Dr. House:
Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice.
Dr. House:
Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.
Dr. Cuddy:
You're addicted to pain pills.
Dr. House:
But I'm not useless.
Dr. House:
You know how they say, "you can't live without love"? Well, oxygen is even more important.
[regarding a patient on death row]
Dr. House:
I have to make him all better before shipping him back for the state to kill him. Is it just me, or is that weird?
Dr. Cameron:
I took an oath to do no harm.
Dr. House:
Yeah, well, it's not like they made you sign it or anything.
Dr. Chase:
How does an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin?
Dr. Foreman:
Are you serious?
Dr. House:
The man knows prisons. When we've got a yachting question, we'll come to you.
Dr. House:
[closing the blinds so he can't see Stacy]
What? Mommy and Daddy are having a little fight, it doesn't mean we've stopped loving you. Now, go outside and play. Get Daddy some smokes and an arterial blood gas test.
Dr. Foreman:
You killed four people. Somehow, making mac and cheese just the way he wants kind of loses its significance.
Dr. Wilson:
You know why people are nice to other people?
Dr. House:
Oh, I know this one. Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that, or people are cowards. If I’m mean to you, you’ll be mean to me. Mutually assured destruction.
Dr. House:
I know you're friends with her, but there is a code. Bros before hos, man.
Dr. House:
Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it.
[Regarding taking on the case of a man on death row]
Dr. Foreman:
Aren't there better ways to spend our time?
Dr. House:
Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife?
Dr. Foreman:
Uh yeah. Actually, he is.
Dr. House:
What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what
the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back.
Warden:
Your patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another one's neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards.
Dr. House:
Relax, I've got a great bedside manner.
Warden:
Don't have a respirator.
Dr. House:
Better get one in about an hour, or you're gonna lose him.
Warden:
I'll make out a requisition. The state's already sentenced this man to die.
Dr. House:
I think the state was a tad more specific about how.
Stacy:
It was easy once I convinced the clerk to take it to Judge Markem; he's a sucker for Eighth Amendment arguments.
Dr. House:
Stop, I'm getting turned on.
Dr. Cameron:
A spot on an x-ray doesn't necessarily mean that she's terminal.
Dr. House:
I love children. So filled with hope.
Dr. House:
God, I've got to learn not to beat around the bush.
Dr. Chase:
I'm against the death penalty in principle. In practice, however, watching a murderer die causes me a lot less grief than annoying my boss.
Dr. Cameron:
Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than whites.
Dr. Foreman:
Doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty, do we? It just means we need to kill more white people.
Dr. House:
I just don't want you working here, in my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It's a big hospital.
Stacy:
I'm a lawyer. You're a jerk. There's gonna be some overlap.
Dr. House:
God, I hope that was a euphemism.
Stacy:
Cuddy just reamed me.
Dr. House:
I hope that one means what I think it means.
Dr. House:
Who wants to head over to the prison and find Clarence's secret stash?
Dr. Foreman:
Fine, I'll do it.
Dr. House:
Great! Chase it is.
Dr. Chase:
I assume you have a reason beyond wanting to make me completely miserable?
Dr. House:
You've got a prettier mouth. Better chance the inmates will open up to you.
Dr. House:
Why are you talking to me?
Stacy:
Can't it be enough that I want to cause you pain?
Dr. Chase:
No lesions, no aneurysms. Ironically, the mind of a killer looks completely normal.
Dr. Cuddy:
House!
Dr. House:
[Mimicking Scooby Doo]
Ruh-roh.
Death Row Guy:
I feel like I'm gettin' stabbed!
Dr. House:
Well, he'd know.
Dr. Cameron:
When a good person dies, there should be an impact on the world. Somebody should notice. Somebody should be upset.
Autopsy [2.2]
Dr. Chase:
If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.
Dr. House:
Tell that to all the hookers that won't kiss me on the mouth.
Dr. House:
And you stay away from the patient.
Dr. Cameron:
What'd I do?
Dr. House:
Oh well, you'd just get all warm and cuddly around the dying girl and insinuate yourself; end up in a custody battle.
Dr. House:
Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Dr. Cuddy:
Are you high?
Dr. House:
If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
Dr. Cuddy:
It's Wednesday.
Dr. Cuddy:
You're actually talking about killing her.
Dr. House:
Just for a little while, I'll bring her right back.
Dr. Cuddy:
Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are we even talking?
Dr. House:
Differential diagnosis. Ready, set
Dr. Foreman:
Well the hallucinations...
Dr. House:
Whoa! Hold on... Wait for it... And go.
Dr. Foreman:
We can do that if you want to ignore what we just discussed.
Dr. House:
Sounds good.
Dr. House:
Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.
Dr. House:
The tumor is Afghanistan, the clot is Buffalo.
Dr. Foreman:
Her oxygen saturation is normal.
Dr. House:
It's off by one percentage point.
Dr. Foreman:
It's within range. It's normal.
Dr. House:
If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.
Andie:
Will you kiss me?
Dr. Chase:
No.
Andie:
No one will know.
Dr. House:
Cancer doesn't make you special.
Dr. Chase:
It was one kiss!
Dr. House:
This is why you can't touch my markers.
Dr. Wilson:
I'm with a patient.
Dr. House:
Is she dying?
Dr. Wilson:
No.
Dr. House:
Then she can wait.
Dr. House:
[about Andie]
She's such a brave girl, I want to see how brave she is when you tell her she's gonna die.
Dr. Wilson:
Go to hell.
Dr. House:
You see grace because you want to see grace.
Dr. Wilson:
You don't see grace because you won't go anywhere near her.
Dr. House:
Sore throat?
[The patient uncovers himself, revealing blood on his pants.]
Dr. House:
It's not lupus. Well, not everyone can operate a zipper. Up, down, what comes next?
Patient:
My new girlfriend had never been with a guy who wasn't circumcised. So she freaked, and...
Dr. House:
Aha. And she wanted Rifka to feel all gemutlicht. I get it. It's a shanda.
[The patient pulls down his pants while House closes the blinds. House turns around, and recoils in horror.]
Dr. House:
Ahh!
Patient:
I got some boxcutters. And, um...
Dr. House:
Just like Abraham did it.
Patient
I sterilized them, which I was told you're supposed to...
Dr. House:
Stop talking. I'm going to get a plastic surgeon. To get the Twinkie back in the wrapper.
Dr. Foreman:
We could bolt her to the table.
House:
Gruesome and low-tech; kiss me, I love it.
Dr. Wilson:
So, the dying girl should be nice to me?
Dr. House:
When you are dying everybody loves you!
Dr. Wilson:
You have a cane and nobody likes you!
Dr. House:
I'm not terminal, just pathetic, and you wouldn't believe some of the crap people let me get away with.
Humpty Dumpty [2.3]
Dr. House:
I'm happy to report that we are now so in sync, we're actually wearing each other's underwear.
Dr. House:
If I tried a scheme like this, you'd get that nasty wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. Very sexy, I admit.
Dr. House:
Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?
Dr. House:
The good news is he won't be bitching about losing his hand if he can't breathe.
Dr. House:
Might have mentioned this earlier, Doctor. Maybe we could have sent some blood cultures to the lab, instead of wasting a day indulging your self-loathing.
Dr. Foreman:
I'm not breaking into my boss's house.
Dr. House:
I'm your boss.
Dr. Chase:
She's scarier than you are.
[Doctors House, Foreman, and Chase are about to break into Dr. Cuddy's house]
Dr. House:
What do you think? Red thongs? I think red thongs.
[Inside, House examines a pinkish thong]
Dr. House:
Does this count as red?
[House opens Cuddy's underwear drawer.]
Dr. House:
Oh...My...God. Chase - she's got pictures of you in here. It's like some kind of sick shrine!
Dr. Chase:
[coming to look]
You're kidding!
Dr. House:
Yeah.
Dr. Cuddy:
Are you being intentionally dense?
Dr. House:
[in sarcastic tone]
Huh?
Stacy:
How's Cuddy doing?
Dr. House:
She's not acting like Cuddy. It's a pleasure.
Stacy:
You know her. She has trouble with these situations, feels personally responsible.
Dr. House:
Technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you're all powerful.
Patient:
I'm not buying into no racist drug, okay?
Dr. House:
It's racist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us.
Patient
Look. My heart's red; your heart's red. And it don't make no sense to give us different drugs.
Dr. House:
You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it's a limited sample, but it's my experience in the last ninety seconds that all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans.
Dr. House:
You've lost perspective, Cuddy. You've stopped looking at this as a doctor. You're acting like someone who shoved somebody off their roof. You want to make things right? Too bad. Nothing's ever right.
Dr. House:
Your guilt. It's perverse, and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do.
Dr. Cuddy:
You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?
Dr. House:
Now, would the world be a better place if people never felt guilty? Makes sex better.
[Pointing to Stacy]
Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming. I know this wasn't just because it was your roof. Cuddy... You see the world as it is, and you see the world as it could be. What you don't see is what everybody else sees: the giant, gaping chasm in between.
Dr. Cuddy:
House, I'm not naive. I realize...
Dr. House:
If you did, you never would have hired me. You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things: you're a good boss, and you'll never be happy. By the way why does everyone think that you and I had sex? Think there could be something to it?
[shrugs]
Dr. Chase:
You're just too nasty to each other to have not been, well, nasty.
Dr. House:
Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.
TB or Not TB [2.4]
[Talking to a patient who has been diagnosed with a cat allergy]
Dr. House:
You're allergic. We can control it with antihistamines, one pill a day.
Mandy:
Pills?
Dr. House:
You don't like to swallow? I'm not surprised. Forget the pills, I'll give you a nasal spray.
Mandy
Steroids? Is there something else you can give me?
Dr. House:
Well, if you live by the river, I've got a bag.
Dr. Cuddy:
Dr. Sebastian Charles collapsed during a presentation at Stoia Tucker.
Dr. House:
Really? Crushed under the weight of his own ego?
Dr. House:
The nameless poor have a face, and it's a pompous white man.
Dr. House:
Welcome aboard the Good Ship Asskisser. Nice day for a sail. Pucker up, me hearties.
Dr. Cameron:
He asked me out.
Dr. Chase:
I'm shocked.
[Cameron glares at him]
I'm shocked when patients don't ask you out.
Dr. Cameron:
He also asked me to come to Africa.
Dr. Chase:
Boy, he moves fast.
Dr. Foreman:
What's the emergency?
Dr. House:
[Looking at his yo-yo]
I can't remember how to do Walk the Dog.
Sebastian:
[Snaps his fingers]
Another person just died. Where is your outrage?
Dr. House:
[Keeps snapping]
Sure, they're dying, but it's got a great beat.
Sebastian:
Nah, TB's my disease.
Dr. House:
You own a disease? Well, I'm sorry I missed the IPO on dengue fever.
Dr. House:
Take the pills or I let you die, do an autopsy, call my own press conference, and make sure the world knows that you didn't die of TB. Corporate sponsors will be disappointed, but they'll find another disease.
Sebastian:
Why would you do that?
Dr. House:
Because I'm just a mean son of a bitch.
Sebastian:
Every minute four people die of TB.
Dr. House:
Wow, how can you sleep at night?
Sebastian:
There's people dying in Africa of a disease that we cured over fifty years ago...
Dr. House:
Yeah, I know. I saw the concert. Seriously, let's say you sleep six hours, that means every night you kill 1440 people. I guess you gotta get some sleep, but come on, if you'd stayed up another ten minutes you could have saved forty lives. Do you send notes to the families in the morning? That's gonna take at least ten minutes, so that's another forty dead, another forty notes... why don't you go wrack yourself with guilt in your own room?
[While pointing to Sebastian and talking to newspeople]
Dr. House:
THAT IS NOT TB!
[Cuts to Drs. Wilson and Foreman]
Dr. Wilson:
Compelling television.
[To Newsweek reporter]
Dr. House:
In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot! Yeah, you can quote me... C-U-D-D-Y.
Dr. House:
Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear.
Dr. Wilson:
You're just mad that he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
Dr. House:
And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.
Dr. Wilson:
It's not just the trip to Stockholm, you know. It comes with a cash prize.
Dr. House:
Seriously? No wonder everybody is going after that peace thing.
Dr. House:
There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.
Dr. Foreman:
Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.
Dr. House:
Just not as honest about it.
Sebastian:
What he
[House]
just did -
Dr. Foreman:
Abusive and unprofessional. If he hadn't done it, we wouldn't have seen the problem.
Sebastian:
I think doctors like House cling to objectivity like a three-year-old to a blanket: don't get too worked up, stay calm, stay cool, and maintain that correct perspective. The only flaw in their argument is, when you have millions of people dying, the correct perspective is to be yelling at the top of your lungs.
Dr. House:
He's not even a real doctor; he's a human telethon.
Dr. Wilson:
Is that your problem with him? You see hypocrites every day. Why is this guy so special?
Dr. House:
You think I have a hypocritical attitude to hypocrisy? The problem is there are 26 letters in the alphabet, and he only uses two of them. He treats thousands of patients with one diagnosis. He knows the answer going in. It's cheating.
Dr. House:
You are as big a media whore as he is.
Dr. Cuddy:
Of course I am. It couldn't possibly be that I think he's right, and I'd like to be a small part of what he's doing.
Dr. House:
Oh, whores can like the sex. Doesn't mean they're not whores.
Dr. House:
You want third-world treatment?
[Turns up the thermostat]
You got it. Boy, is it hot here in Jani!
Dr. Cameron:
What are you doing?
Dr. House:
What am I doing?
[He knocks Sebastian's things onto the floor]
Putting everything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the moving pictures!
Dr. Cameron:
You think he's a hypocrite?
Dr. House:
[Unplugging the TV]
Hypocrite? No, everyone in Africa's got cell phones or running water.
[He has dropped Sebastian's cell phone in the toilet]
This thing just will not flush.
Sebastian:
Do you really think that if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, that I'm just going to fold and abandon everything that matters to me?
Dr. House:
[Wiping his cane on Sebastian's blanket]
Lousy sanitation over there, too. You are not the same as them; your life is not the same. And you are cheapening everything they're going through by pretending you are.
Dr. House:
Do you notice how all the self-sacrificing women in history; Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa, can't think of any others; they all die alone. The men, on the other hand, get so much fuzz, it's crazy.
Dr. Foreman:
Good? This is bizarre.
Dr. House:
Bizarre is good! Common has hundreds of explanations. Bizarre has hardly any.
Dr. Foreman:
We can't avoid her forever.
Dr. House:
Eventually she'll die... You sure she doesn't have breast cancer?
Dr. House:
I saved his life. I should get credit for every life he saves from now.
Dr. Wilson:
I'll make sure Stockholm knows.
Daddy's Boy [2.5]
Dr. Wilson:
We're discussing your new patient.
Dr. House:
Must be a boring discussion seeing as I haven't accepted a new patient.
Dr. Wilson:
You accepted him the moment I loaned you five grand.
Dr. House:
Oooohhhh...wait, wait. When I said I'd do anything for the money, obviously I didn't mean it.
Dr. Cameron:
Why would you need five thousand dollars?
Dr. Chase:
Bad night at poker...or great night with a hooker?
Dr. House:
Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.
[Upon seeing House's new motorcycle]
Dr. Wilson:
Two-wheeled vehicles that travel 150 miles an hour don't really go well with crippled, irresponsible drug addicts.
Dr. House:
You bastard. You invited my parents to dinner.
Dr. Wilson:
Geez, Cameron's got a big mouth.
Dr. House:
Ha! Not as big as yours.
Dr. Wilson:
Hey, you used me to avoid seeing your parents.
Dr. House:
Well, what do you care?
Dr. Wilson:
I don't. I just thought it might be interesting to find out why.
Dr. House:
You could have just asked.
Dr. Wilson:
You would have lied.
Dr. House:
And you would have believed me. Which would have kept us both happy. Do you want your money back, is that what this is about?
Dr. Wilson:
No! Wait, what? Have you got the money?
[House starts to write check]
Dr. Wilson:
If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
Dr. House:
I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.
Dr. Wilson:
You're - you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship?
Dr. House:
That's five grand, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. So what do you say, one little phone call, one big check?
Dr. Wilson:
Fine.
[takes check]
Dr. Wilson:
Thanks.
[gets in car]
Dr. Wilson:
Now, be a grownup and either tell mommy and daddy you don't want to see them or I'm picking you up at 7:00 for dinner.
Dr. House:
What do you mean? You just said...
Dr. Wilson:
I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you look good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.
Dr. House:
Gimme a reason to get out of this, and I'll tell you who started the rumor about you being a transsexual.
Dr. Cuddy:
There is no such rumor.
Dr. House:
There will be unless you get me out of this dinner.
Ken:
I know the way things work - the better my job, the better my son gets treated.
Dr. House:
Right. That's why I'm mad. 'Cause we wasted all that filet mignon on you.
Dr. Cameron:
Who was that?
Dr. House:
Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that's sexy?
Dr. Cameron:
So it's okay to lie to House, but not to a patient.
Dr. Cuddy:
Yep!
[Taddy is being wheeled in on a gurney]
Dr. House:
You Taddy?
Taddy:
What?
Dr. House:
Love the name. If I ever have a dog...
Dr. House:
Now we're getting somewhere.
Dr. Foreman:
Where?
Dr. House:
I have no idea.
Dr. Foreman:
You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.
Dr. House:
Which is why it's gonna be so cool when I turn out to be right.
Dr. Cameron:
Why does he hate seeing his parents? So his dad tells the truth, is that so terrible?
Dr. Wilson:
He hates being a dissapointment.
Dr. Cameron:
He's a doctor. World famous. How dissapointed can they be?
Dr. Wilson:
You know the only thing I can think of that's worse than watching your son become a cripple? Watching him become miserable.
Spin [2.6]
Dr. House:
[after injecting the cyclist]
It makes the symptoms go away for five or six minutes.
[patient falls to the ground]
Sometimes less. This is exactly why I created nurses...Cleanup on aisle three!
Stacy:
Believe me, if I weren't married I'd be all over you like red on rice.
Dr. House:
But rice isn't... Ohhhhhhh, I get it!
Dr. House:
You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a...I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
Dr. House:
What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?
Dr. Chase:
You were right.
Dr. House:
Now there went three wasted words.
Dr. House:
[to Dr. Chase]
I love when you do both sides of the conversation. It's like white noise; it's very peaceful.
Dr. Cameron:
It's kind of a long shot.
Dr. House:
Yeah, but it's been over an hour since we poked the patient with something sharp. Get him a lumbar puncture.
Dr. House:
You are healed.
[sticks the patient in the thigh]
Rise and walk.
Patient:
Are you insane?
Dr. House:
In the Bible, they just say, "Yes, Lord" and start on in with the praising.
[Patient protests but regains feeling and gets up]
Patient:
What did you do?
Dr. House:
What did you do, Lord?
Stacy:
We need to talk.
Dr. House:
Oh, God. Are you pregnant? 'Cause I really wanna finish high school.
Dr. House:
She
[Stacy]
can't handle working with me.
Dr. Cuddy:
Oh, right, yeah, she's still got a thing for you, making it impossible for her to deal, makes perfect sense. Except for the pronouns!
Jeff:
I do straight blood doping.
Dr. Cuddy:
Plot twist!
Dr. House:
That's a very daring confession.
Manager:
We've got confidentiality, right?
Dr. House:
Assuming I'm more ethical than your client.
Dr. House:
The air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony.
Dr. Foreman:
With all due respect, man, I doubt there's anything wrong with you that you didn't do to yourself.
Dr. Chase:
Micky Mantle was an alcoholic.
Dr. Cameron:
At least he had his own home runs. He didn't physically alter himself.
Dr. Chase:
We take drugs to help us fall asleep, stay awake...
Dr. Cameron:
We don't make careers out of who can stay awake the longest!
Dr. Chase:
Really? Ever been to, oh, I don't know, med school?
Dr. Foreman:
Er, guys? He plays a game for a living. Who cares?
Dr. House:
How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?
Mark:
It's not the size of the muscle; it's where you get to put it.
Stacy:
My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade.
Dr. Wilson:
How's your biker?
Dr. House:
Pumped an air bubble into a vein in his lung.
Dr. Wilson:
The things people do! Doping! Vicodin!
Dr. House:
Hey! You're talking about me aren't you!
Dr. Wilson:
Mark is in group therapy for people coping with disability. He was thinking about developing a drug addiction, but that would be stupid.
Dr. House:
Hey, you're...
[House gestures back and forth between Wilson and himself]
Ohhh, you again!
Dr. Wilson:
He's made a mistake. Revealing the truth doesn't undo it.
Dr. Cameron:
Kids love him, and he's not who they think he is. It's not right.
Dr. Wilson:
Who cares if he's what he says he is? Who the hell is? If love's based on lies, does that mean it's not a real feeling? Doesn't it bring the same pleasure?
Dr. Cameron:
Are we still talking about the patient?
Dr. Wilson:
Have you... ever cheated? Well, I have. You wanna punish him, good for you; but you can't do it without punishing the people who love him.
Dr. Cameron:
Is that how you justified lying to your wives?
Dr. Wilson:
I always told them.
Dr. Chase:
There's no way PRCA could manifest so suddenly.
Dr. Cameron:
Unless it's drug-induced. He's lying about not being on EPO?
Dr. House:
Why would he lie?
Dr. Cameron:
What does it matter?
Dr. House:
People lie for thousands of reasons, but there's always a reason.
Dr. Foreman:
Philosophically interesting, medically irrelevant.
Dr. House:
Unless he's not lying.
Manager
Okay, I should have told you. It's not just about the races, Jeff; it's about your image, okay? If you come back from cancer, those sponsors will be all over you. Okay, so I messed up, but I did not give you EPO!
Jeff:
That stuff could kill me.
Dr. House:
Come on, give her a break. She's only doing what she has to to advance her career. Don't you have that tattooed on your tushie?
Dr. House:
[makes a dramatic gesture with the stirring stick]
Go forth and scan his neck.
Dr. Chase:
His neck?
Dr. House:
Or repeat everything I say in question form.
Dr. House:
She came into the clinic and yelled at me. Then she left. Then she came back and yelled some more.
Dr. Wilson:
Hmm. Yelling. That might be a clue.
Dr. House:
I know what the yelling means, it's the coming and going I find interesting. It's not rational.
Dr. Wilson:
Anger's not rational?
Dr. House:
Some anger is. She could have pulled me aside, screamed at me privately. Her beef is simple and well-founded. She was out of control.
Dr. Wilson:
You're having fun aren't you?
Dr. House:
She's in my face, I need to know why.
Dr. Wilson:
Professional reasons.
Dr. House:
Oh, why else?
Dr. Wilson:
Do you really think this is going to end well, for anyone?
Dr. House:
I want to apologize. Maybe I've been punishing you for a little too long. And maybe you've been punishing me. If we're going to work together, I need to know - do you hate me? Or do you love me? Either way, I think we've got a problem.
Stacy:
I hate you. And I love you. And I love Mark.
Dr. House:
You don't hate him?
Stacy:
No.
Dr. House:
So what do we do?
Stacy:
We deal with each other.
Dr. House:
Right. That plan's been working great so far.
Stacy:
It'll get better, it'll get easier.
Dr. House:
Why?
Stacy:
I don't know, it's what my therapist tells me.
[House walks out of the room giving a briefly smug little smile once he's closed the door]
Dr. Cameron:
I fell in love with my husband's best friend. Near the end I was at the hospital every day and Joe would come by after work, and go for walks, and trying to talk each other through it. We just clung to each other.
Dr. Wilson:
My wife wasn't dying, she wasn't even sick - everything was fine. I met someone who made me feel funny. Good. And I didn't wanna let that feeling go. What happened to you? How can anyone go through that alone. You can't control your emotions.
Dr. Cameron:
No, just your actions.
Dr. Wilson:
You didn't do it, did you. You didn't sleep with him?
Dr. Cameron:
I couldn't have lived with myself.
Dr. Wilson:
You'd be surprised what you can live with.
Dr. House:
I had therapy here this morning and left my cane.
Janitor:
Sorry.
Dr. House:
Dude. I'm crippled.
[Janitor pauses then unlocks the door]
Hunting [2.7]
Dr. House:
Now let go of my cane before it becomes your new boyfriend.
Kalvin:
Honey, I will marry it if you would look at my file.
Dr. House:
Congress says you can't, so...
Dr. House:
Just 'cause he says I hit him doesn't make it true. Watch.
[Shouts to the heavens]
I am surrounded by naked cheerleaders!
[Nothing happens]
See?
Dr. House:
Steve McQueen without hair? It's a blessing he died young.
Dr. House:
I am not treating you.
Kalvin:
What, because you're a closet case?
Dr. Wilson:
Er... we're not g...er... together.
Dr. House:
He is so self-loathing.
[Dr. House is with Stacy in her house when Mark enters the room.]
Mark:
What's going on?
Dr. House:
It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually, we're having sex.
Dr. Foreman:
Have you read his file?
Dr. House:
I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional.
Dr. Wilson:
If you want her back, either tell her, or, better yet, shut up and cry yourself to sleep like everybody else.
Dr. Cameron:
I love my job.
Kalvin:
Really? You seem more the "find it exceptionally satisfying" type.
Dr. Cameron:
I have fun.
Dr. Chase:
Yeah, she's got some scheduled for February.
Dr. Chase:
Pre-World War II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, patient can't breathe.
[Dr. House gives him a questioning look]
My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis.
Dr. House:
Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart.
Kalvin:
[To Dr. Cameron]
Oh, would you stop being nice? It's useless, and worse, it's boring.
Dr. House:
He thought he was dying. Dying people lie, too. Wish they'd worked less, they'd been nicer, they'd opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it, you don't save it for sound byte.
Dr. Chase:
Last night probably shouldn't happen again.
Dr. Cameron:
Do you think I want it to?
Dr. Chase:
When two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it again, they're gonna do it again. And that's when things get complicated. And it didn't suck.
Dr. Wilson:
So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient.
Dr. House:
Nah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.
Dr. House:
It was self-defense.
Dr. Cuddy:
You baited him.
Dr. House:
You're right. I was asking for it. The low-cut blouse, the "Do me" pumps...
Stacy:
This whole time you've been manipulating me?
Dr. House:
You knew I had an angle the moment I poured soap onto a scrub brush.
Dr. Cameron:
So you always use a condom?
Dr. Foreman:
Uhhh, yeah.
Dr. House:
Brother's on the down low... got to.
Dr. Foreman:
I'm not ready for any Foreman juniors yet.
Dr. Cameron:
[to House]
You?
Dr. House:
Working girls - they're sticklers. You're not going to poll Chase?
Dr. Chase:
I'm not an idiot.
Dr. House:
Obviously not. Who doesn't sleep with a drugged-out colleague when they have a chance?
Dr. House:
It's ok, she's not here, you can skip the nice guy act.
Dr. Foreman:
You know, some human beings are actually capable of human feelings.
The Mistake [2.8]
Stacy:
If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?
Dr. House:
He has great hair.
Stacy:
What are you hiding?
Dr. House:
I'm gay. Oh! That's not what you meant. It does explain a lot, though: no girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...
Dr. House:
And for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in the hospital. But, unfortunately, you are the only one who's currently cheating on his wife.
Sam
She got hep from me, didn't she?
Dr. House:
No! No, no, no, God, no! I think she got cancer from you.
Stacy:
That's how you tell this guy he's dying?
Dr. House:
Oh, relax. He's got a cold, and, soon, health insurance.
Stacy:
Such a hero. Always righting wrongs. Who cares who you have to manipulate?
Dr. House:
I'm sorry. I didn't realize you and Buck were so close.
Dr. Chase:
[To Stacy]
Let's make a deal. I won't use the word "honestly," and you'll quit stopping by to see House so you don't take it out on me afterwards, how about that?
Dr. House:
One caveat: I've moved past threesomes. I'm now into foursomes. If someone backs out, then you've still got a threesome. If two people back out, you're still having sex. You'd be amazed. Even if three people...
Dr. House:
She's overreacting.
Dr. Wilson:
You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.
Dr. House:
So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?
Dr. House:
[About Stacy]
She protects Chase, she protects me.
Dr. Wilson:
Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up.
[In a bad Australian accent]
"I'm so sorry, if only Dr House had paid attention... He'd never even met her; he never does."
Dr. House:
Chase loves me. And isn't Turkish.
Dr. Wilson:
Cameron loves you. Chase loves his job.
Stacy:Yeah. Why did Chase screw up?
Dr. Foreman:
Because he doesn't give a crap about patients.
Stacy:
Well, he always gets positive patient reviews.
Dr. Foreman:
Yeah. He smiles all 84 of his teeth, tells them his tonsil story.
Stacy:
It's a nice story.
Dr. Foreman:
He still has his tonsils. As soon as he's out of the room, which is as soon as he can be out of the room, he starts in on the trash talk. Thinks not giving a crap makes him like House. Like something to aspire to.
Dr. Chase:
It was a minor mistake; I couldn't have known it was going to happen...
Dr. House:
Mistakes are as serious as the results they cause!
Dr. House:
You know what's really killing her? Chase forgot to ask a standard question about stomach pain, so he missed the diagnosis, so she perforated, so she got sepsis, so her BP tanks, so she got blood clots, so she lost her liver. Livers are important, Cuddy. Can't live without them, hence the name. And here's the big issue: Chase is a hospital employee, and Kayla is the sympathetic mother of those two jury-friendly moppets Caleb and Cody.
Dr. Chase:
Dory and Nicky.
Dr. Cuddy:
Your point, beyond just trying to make Chase wet himself, seems to be that the hospital faces liability here. Well, thanks for clearing that up. I still need a medical reason to list her.
Dr. House:
That is a medical reason! The family wins this hospital in a lawsuit, they'll turn it into condos. And people will die waiting outside a condo for medical care.
Dr. House:
The hospital lawyer asks me if I did something unethical. If I did, the last person I tell is the hospital lawyer, especially since she's gone all Old Testament on me.
Dr. House:
I'm not the one being sued. I feel funny.
Stacy:
[Interrupting a flashback]
Don't care about the Vicodin.
[Vicodin disappears with a pop]
Deception [2.9]
Dr. House:
Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
Dr. Cuddy:
Yeah, we have a pecking order here, if Cameron kills somebody, Chase takes over. There's a flow chart in the lobby.
Anica:
You know, I was gonna ask what a respectable doctor was doing at an OTB parlor; somehow that question doesn't seem relevant anymore.
Dr. House:
What's your excuse?
Anica:
Turns me on.
Dr. House:
Yeah, what else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor; I need to know.
Dr. House:
Work smart, not hard. That's my philosophy, boss.
Dr. House:
[While deliberately sabotaging a lumbar puncture]
Eighth time's the charm.
Dr. Cameron:
That's the irony of women in charge, they don't like other women in charge.
Dr. Foreman:
What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?
Dr. House:
Actually, I expect you to act like what you are - my employee, my subordinate ... my bitch.
Dr. House:
[To a patient who's been using strawberry jelly as a spermicide, and got an infection from it]
You probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
Patient:
For how long?
Dr. House:
On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend... Forever.
Dr. House:
Yeah, well, being hospitalized a lot certainly points to nothing being wrong with you.
Dr. Cameron:
How would you describe my leadership skills?
Dr. House:
Nonexistent. Otherwise excellent.
Dr. Cameron:
[While searching Anica's house]
She's got an appointment with her opthamologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors... Symptom of Munchausen's.
Dr. House:
Or - just thinking outside the box here - she has a vagina and trouble reading.
Dr. House:
At the end of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," the wolf really does come. And he eats the sheep... And the boy... And his parents.
Dr. Chase:
The wolf doesn't eat the parents!
Dr. House:
It does when I tell it.
Dr. House:
Sorry, I missed that. Hearing's been off since the Ricky Martin concert:some cholo kicked me in the head.
Dr. House:
Labs, schmabs. A good diagnostician reads between the labs.
Dr. Foreman:
Yeah, you're all about the nurturing.
Dr. House:
You need a hug?
Dr. Foreman:
I just agreed with you.
Dr. House:
Not because you think I'm right. You're just taking the safe route. You're a wuss. Don't worry; your secret's safe with me.
[walks outside]
Hey, Wilson! Guess what Foreman just did!
Dr. Foreman:
Do you think there's any way House would take me seriously as his boss?
Dr. Wilson:
Where is this coming from? Did Cuddy say something?
Dr. Foreman:
We talked. She intimated.
Dr. Wilson:
And you want my advice on how to usurp him? It's very ancient Rome: you'll need a toga, and of course, a sword.
Dr. Foreman:
You were right.
Dr. House:
Hey hey hey, we're not here to play the blame game. These things happen. Sometimes doctors send people out on the street to die after other doctors warned them that they were sending them out on the street to die. There's no way you could know.
Failure To Communicate [2.10]
Dr. Wilson:
Do you know your phone is dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
Dr. House:
They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.
Stacy:
Our relationship is like an addiction. It's... like...
Dr. House:
Really good drugs?
Stacy:
No, it's like... Vindaloo curry.
Dr. House:
Okay, sure...
Stacy:
Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red chili peppers.
Dr. House:
I know what it is! Didn't think it was addictive.
Stacy:
You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... Vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine, but, no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really, really long time, but you wake up one day, and you think... God, I really miss curry.
Dr. Foreman:
Why'd you put me in charge of the department if you think I can't handle it?
Dr. Cuddy:
Because it's temporary, and because I was ordered to.
Dr. House:
We've been over this.
Stacy:
If I thought you were capable of listening, I'd shut up.
Dr. House:
That makes no sense at all.
Dr. House:
MRI show anything?
Dr. Foreman:
CT scan was negative.
Dr. House:
CT... That's like, short for MRI, right? Excellent, well I guess that saves us a lot of time.
Dr. Chase:
We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.
Dr. House:
I teach you to lie and cheat and steal... And as soon as my back is turned, you wait in line?
Dr. Chase:
What happened to the Foreman who always has an answer? The guy who practically wears a sign saying "I'm as good as House, but I'm nicer."
Stacy:
At least this time I recognize it. That's the bitter bit of convincing the two men you ever loved they're better off without you.
Dr. House:
Yeah, it's all your fault. You know, "Stacy" in the original Greek means "relationship killer."
Dr. Wilson:
[about the patient]
Cameron's got him on dialysis and he's stable for the moment, unlike Cuddy, who's suicidal.
Dr. House:
Either you've decided to do a lumbar puncture, or you have to fire me so that I can't fire all of you, as soon as I get back in charge.
Dr. House:
They can handle it.
Dr. Cuddy:
Right. So far only three organ systems have failed.
Dr. House:
Okay, they can't. Doesn't matter; guy's not stable enough to move. So go rant in your own office.
Dr. Cuddy:
Tell me, if it is your aim to sell me the same crazy idea as that House does, how are you an improvement on House?
Dr. Foreman:
I... Brought you a coffee?
Dr. House:
Two people who weren't meant to be together. Maybe they'll get a happy ending just because they both want it so much.
Stacy:
Yeah, that's usually the way it works.
Dr. Foreman:
In one of (Fletch's) books he talked about giving up drugs and alcohol. Said how it changed his life.
Dr. Chase:
[imitating House]
Everybody lies.
Stacy:
We had a fight and I stormed out without my make-up or cross. I stopped at the drug store and got some new make-up, but I didn't get a cross because they don't have an aisle for personal talismen!
Need To Know [2.11]
Dr. House:
Wow. It's a big jump from "infidelity is morally wrong" to "do her."
Dr. House:
Mommy does everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills.
Dr. House:
Cameron, I love you.
[Cameron's jaw drops. House swabs her mouth.]
Dr. House:
Get your test result tomorrow.
Dr. House:
[knocking on Wilson's office door]
I know you're in there! I can hear you caring!
Stella:
What's wrong with your foot?
Dr. House:
War wound.
Stella:
Does it hurt?
Dr. House:
Every day.
Stella:
Is that why you're so sad?
Dr. House:
[pause]
Oh, aren't you adorable? I'm not sad, I'm complicated. Chicks dig that.
Dr. House:
[Regarding a patient's treatment]
Why don't you take it up with Stacy? See which option minimizes your risk.
Dr. Cuddy:
Here's what I think she's going to say.
[Imitating Stacy's accent]
Oh, I loooove Greg! But if you go against the patient's wishes, you're calling her a liar. And if something goes wrong, I end up in court, having to defend the big mean doctor (albeit with dreamy eyes) who wouldn't believe the nice suburban mom. And even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn surgery.
Dr. House:
Morning, Jimmy! Anybody die while I was gone?
Dr. Wilson:
Did... Did you iron your shirt?
Dr. House:
I thought about shaving it, but I couldn't find a razor.
Stacey:
I want not to love Mark, I want to hate you, I want all of this to be simple. But it's not.
Dr. House:
You can either have a life with me or you can have a life with him. It can't be both. It's not easy, but it is simple.
Dr. Chase:
Millions of women are on fertility treatments, and they don't get cancer.
Dr. House:
Right. They get babies. She had a blood clot and a stroke. She'll get another one and probably die if we don't find that tumor. Do an endometrial biopsy.
Dr. Foreman:
Biopsy's painful and unnecessary. We just did an ultrasound.
[House squints and looks at his watch]
Dr. Foreman:
What?
Dr. House:
Shh.
Dr. Cameron:
If you have a personal issue that's interfering with...
Dr. House:
[interrupts]
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Dr. Foreman:
What are we waiting for?
Dr. House:
Your four weeks just expired. Your reign of terror is over. Mine has just begun. Now go stick a needle up her hoo-hoo and find that cancer.
[goes into his office, while Foreman shakes his head and smiles]
Dr. Chase:
[confused]
Hoo-hoo?
Dr. Foreman:
[As if it's an explanation]
He went to Hopkins.
[House hands Cameron a sealed envelope, which she assumes is her HIV test results]
Dr. House:
Knowing is always better than not knowing.
[Cameron opens the envelope and reads the letter]
Dr. Cameron:
It's a referral request.
Dr. House:
[holds up an open envelope]
Right. HIV thing came in earlier. You're fine.
Dr. Cameron:
[incensed]
You won't read your mail, but you'll open mine?
Dr. House:
It said confidential. I wanted to know.
Dr. Cameron:
The most important letter of my life, and you're still an ass.
Dr. House:
Comforting, isn't it?
[she walks out on him]
Dr. Wilson:
You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. Its all you've got so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special.
[pause]
Dr. Wilson:
Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable.
[Wilson and House look at each other. Wilson exits]
Distractions [2.12]
Dr. Cameron:
What are you looking for?
Dr. House:
Same as you. Love, acceptance, a solid return on investment.
Dr. Weber:
Do I know you?
Dr. House:
I know your math skills... They blow
Dr. Weber:
I know... I know you.
Dr. House:
Sure you do, Dick.
Dr. Weber:
The name's Philip.
Dr. House:
My bad. Something to do with your face - I always think your name is Dick.
Dr. Weber:
HOUSE?!
Dr. House:
Here.
Dr. Weber:
You can't test anything on an abnormal brain.
Dr. House:
That's so close-minded. He's not 'abnormal', he's special.
Dr. Cameron:
Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
Dr. House:
I wish.
Dr. Cameron:
His brain is like a waiter that's got too many...
Dr. House:
Hey! I do the metaphors!
Dr. House:
[to a prostitute]
I'm looking for a distraction. You don't need to talk to do that, do you?
Skin Deep [2.13]
Dr. Wilson:
How'd you get here?
Dr. House:
By osmosis.
Dr. Cuddy:
Teenage supermodel. Presented with double-vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataplexy...
Dr. House:
You had me at "teenage supermodel."
Alex:
I was passed out but I wasn't. I, I knew what going on but I couldn't move or talk.
Dr. House:
Yeah, sounds like a medical thing. It's called cataplexy. Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool.
Dr. House:
She's a fashion model, on the cover of magazines. (They) hold her up as a sexual ideal. The law says we can't touch her for three more years. How hypocritical is that?
Dr. Foreman:
There's no age limit on addiction.
Dr. House:
[taking a Vicodin]
He's right.
George:
I haven't slept in weeks, because my teeth hurt. Dentist couldn't find any cavities. And I'm getting these headaches.
Dr. House:
Ohhhhh, poor you.
George:
I think I'm going crazy. And my stomach. I roll out of bed, and I wanna puke.
Dr. House:
I take it you're married.
George:
You must be psychic.
Dr. House:
You must be witty. When's she due?
George:
How'd you know she...
Dr. House:
'cause I'm doing her! ... You've got Couvade Syndrome, which is just a fancy way of saying you should stop whining. Millions of women have got the same thing. They're not bugging me.
Dr. Foreman:
Why would your mind go to abuse so fast?
Dr. House:
I had a funny uncle.
Dr. Foreman:
You were abused?
Dr. House:
What? No. Why'd your mind go to that so fast. I just had a funny uncle. Great stories, always filthy.
Dr. House:
You've got male pseudo-hermaphroditism. See, we all start out as girls, and then we're differentiated based on our genes. The ovaries develop into testes and drop. But in about one in 150 thousand pregnancies, a fetus with an 'XY' chromosome, a boy, develops into something else, like you; your testes never descended. Because you're immune to testosterone, you're pure estrogen, which is why you had heightened female characteristics:clear skin, great breasts. The ultimate woman is a man. Nature is cruel, huh?
Father:
This is obviously a joke. This is ... it's impossible.
Dr. House:
No, a joke would be me calling you a homo. See the difference? I'll schedule him for surgery.
Dr. House:
Put your clothes back on. I'm going to cut your balls off, and then you'll be fine.
[Dr. Wilson is examining Dr. House's leg with the MRI]
Dr. Wilson:
[gruff disguised voice]
House, this is God.
Dr. House:
[in MRI chamber]
Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?
Dr. Wilson:
Let me check. Oh! I got a plague. What about Friday?
Dr. House:
You'll have to check with Cameron.
Dr. Wilson:
Oh! Damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time.
[Cuddy bursts in]
Dr. Cuddy:
House...
Dr. House:
Quick, God, smite the evil witch!
[Wilson wisely says nothing]
Dr. Cuddy:
Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?
Dr. House:
God, why have you forsaken me?
[Wilson is telling House that his leg pain is a result of Stacy leaving. House smacks Wilson in the shin with his cane.]
Dr. House:
Aw, you miss Stacy too?
[Discussing whether a patient's breasts are real or fake]
Dr. House:
[to Chase]
I'll bet you two clinic hours those love apples are hand-crafted by God!
Dr. Foreman:
I thought you didn't believe in God.
Dr. House:
I do now.
Sex Kills [2.14]
Henry:
We just happened to be at the same Italian cheese tasting... Thing.
Dr. House:
Cheese is the Devil's plaything.
Dr. House:
We're going to cure her.
Dr. Cameron:
We're going to cure death?
Dr. House:
[like a mad scientist]
Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[normal voice]
Doubt it.
Dr. House:
Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win.
Henry:
(about his daughter) I had sex with her mom.
Dr. House:
I think she knows that happened already.
Dr. Cameron:
His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left.
Dr. House:
Cool!
Dr. Cuddy:
Don't you think this is a little manipulative?
Dr. House:
No, I think it's hugely manipulative.
Dr. House:
[spots Wilson talking to a nurse]
Wilson! How long can you go without sex?
Dr. Wilson:
How long can you go without annoying people?
Dr. House:
No seriously, a week? A month?
Dr. Wilson:
I'm not having an affair.
Henry:
I assume you've been in love?
Dr. House:
Is that the one that makes your pants feel funny?
Dr. House:
When guys have brain/crotch problems, it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.
Dr. House:
So I have to wonder what could be more humiliating than someone calling your girlfriend a cow and not being metaphorical?
Dr. Cameron:
She's positive for gonorrhea.
Dr. House:
I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy.
Dr. Cameron:
I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer.
Dr. House:
We're wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer. They're perfect for lymphoma. Except Chase's: they're just goofy.
Dr. House:
[About a comatose woman]
She's a fridge with a power out. You start poking around inside, the vegetable goes bad. No offense.
Dr. House:
Key to a long life:exotic women, boring cheese.
Dr. House:
Make love, not belts.
Clueless [2.15]
Dr. House:
You blow dry your hair?
Dr. Wilson:
Oh sorry, did I wake you up?
Dr. House:
You blow dry your hair?
Dr. Wilson:
Excuse me for actually caring what I look like.
Dr. House:
I think the word you're looking for is obsessing!
Dr. House:
Awesome. A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search.
Dr. Cameron:
His wife arranged it for an anniversary present. And if you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage.
[Everyone looks stunned.]
Dr. House:
Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.
Dr. House:
Lungs, skin... skin, lungs... Sklungs?
Dr. Wilson:
Don't you ever eat anything besides canned soup and peanut butter?
Dr. House:
Don't you ever eat anything that doesn't look like it's been rolled onto your plate by a dung beetle?
Dr. Wilson:
Now, why do you have a season pass to The New Yankee Workshop?
Dr. House:
It's a complete moron working with power tools:how much more suspenseful can you get?
Woman:
[Marches up to Dr. Cuddy and annouces, without preface]
I am not having an affair with my daughter's karate instructor, and I did not give my husband herpes.
Dr. Cuddy:
[Grabs a passing nurse]
Go find out where House is.
Dr. House:
Where is she?
Dr. Cameron:
She had to go to the bathroom.
Dr. House:
I told you not to let her.
Dr. Cameron:
What was I supposed to do, tie her up?
Dr. House:
Why not? She likes that.
Dr. Cameron:
He's gonna need a lung transplant...
Dr. House:
He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?
Dr. Cameron:
You're pleased... You think you've proved every marriage is a mistake.
Dr. House:
Do I look pleased?
Dr. Cameron:
Ignorance is bliss.
Dr. House:
[to Dr. Wilson]
Why do you wanna sleep on a couch anyway? You got money. At least until the divorce is finalized.
Safe [2.16]
Dr. Wilson:
Cuddy called.
Dr. House:
I know. Saw the caller ID.
Dr. Wilson:
Young girl, anaphylactic shock.
Dr. House:
You answered?
Dr. Wilson:
Turns out that's what stops the ringing.
Dr. Cameron:
Why does she have a clean room in her home?
Dr. House:
Heart transplant: immune system's in the toilet. Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble.
Dr. Foreman:
Six months after the transplant, she doesn't need to be confined to a clean room.
Dr. House:
Six months without putting out, Dr. Cuddy doesn't need to wear thong panties... But it's not our call.
Dr. Cuddy:
[sarcastic]
I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties.
Dr. Cuddy:
These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?
Dr. House:
Hasn't let me down yet.
Dr. Chase:
[referring to Melinda]
Maybe she's allergic to a having a sucky social life.
Dr. Chase:
No alarm on this window.
Dr. Cameron:
It's a 20-foot drop.
Dr. Chase:
You can get to the tree from here. There's some bark scraped off.
Dr. Cameron:
Sure: heart-transplant girl swung down there on a vine. Maybe she was hooking up with Tarzan and Cheetah down by the elephant graveyard.
Dr. Cameron:
Test was negative, no semen allergy.
Dr. House:
Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis. I don't buy that it's unrelated.
Dr. Cameron:
He loves her. Did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.
Dr. House:
[looking puzzled]
What does that mean?
Dr. Cameron:
Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness.
[smiles]
You know, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
Dr. House:
Oh, snap!
Dr. House:
Great part of being a grownup, you never have to do anything.
Dr. Cameron:
What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis? Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure, and then heart failure.
Dr. House:
And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen? It's anaphylaxis. What else?
Dr. Foreman:
What if they really are two puzzles?
Dr. Cameron:
You think she had two unrelated rare conditions in one week?
Dr. Foreman:
We explained the anaphylaxis.
Dr. House:
What do you mean, we? I did! At least I thought I did... Maybe I didn't. Still, it was all me.
Dr. Foreman:
[writing on board]
Heart failure could be either infection, coronary disease, or rejection.
Dr. House:
[taking marker away from Foreman]
Sorry, there's a reason they call it the white board. It's not my rule. What ties both these conditions together?
[everyone stares blankly at each other]
Dr. Foreman:
Okay, we can all stare at each other, or we can investigate what caused the heart failure: just the heart failure. You wanna give me that black marker?
[House reluctantly gives back the marker]
Dr. Wilson:
Where's... The hooker, I assume?
Dr. House:
[taps his head]
Right up here, buddy.
Dr. Wilson:
You said you'd hang the stethescope if you were having sex.
Dr. House:
I didn't say it had to be with another person.
[Wilson makes an Ewww! face that has to be seen to be believed]
Can you think of anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure?
Dr. Wilson:
No.
[raises voice]
I was waiting out there for hours!
Dr. House:
I need a lot of foreplay. And then there's the cuddling afterwards.
Dr. Wilson:
Oh, no wonder you were in the mood: this month's New Jersey Journal of Cardiology.
Dr. House:
Have you seen the centerfold? There's no way those valves are real!
Dr. House:
I scammed you into doing the dishes, I made you sit on the steps, I didn't kill your puppy. I did not make you miserable.
Dr. Wilson:
Oh, so this is therapy?
Dr. House:
No it just... Makes me smile.
Dr. Wilson:
All right, I'm finding a new place tomorrow.
Dr. House:
Right, but not tonight.
Dr. Wilson:
Well, I figure you wanna shave my eyebrows while I'm asleep: I wouldn't wanna deprive you of that last smile.
[House has been playing pranks on Wilson throughout the show. Wilson and House are walking down the hallway when House's cane snaps in half and he falls
Dr. Wilson:
Oh, look at that. It looks like someone filed halfway through your cane while you were asleep.
Dr. House:
You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, your curtains are gone, and your water is boiling, which problem do you deal with first?!
Dr. Foreman:
House.
Dr. House:
None of them, the building's on fire!
Dr. House:
Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about.
[House is searching frantically through Melinda's hair for a tick]
Dr. Cuddy:
Ticks aren't usually invisible.
Dr. House:
They are until you FIND THEM!
[holds up comb triumphantly]
Dr. House:
No, that's dandruff. Okay, well, that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time'll be even better!
[House is talking to Melinda's boyfriend, who paid her a late-night visit]
Dr. House:
This is the one downside of teenage sex - you're idiots. You almost killed your girlfriend. She's allergic to penicillin.
Dan:
What, do you think there was still some on my lips? I brushed my teeth!
Dr. House:
Think lower, and more fun.
Dan:
I mean... It can... It can go through your stuff?
Dr. House:
Totally, dude!
All In [2.17]
Ian:
I have a question, and I need to go to the bathroom.
Mrs. Walsh:
Which would you like to do first?
Ian:
The question.
Mrs. Walsh:
Okay.
Ian:
Where's the bathroom?
Dr. House:
[looking amazed after seeing Cameron all dressed up]
Woooooow...
[pause]
What were we talking about?
[House, Cuddy and Wilson are playing poker at a hospital charity event]
Dr. Cuddy:
Call.
Dr. House:
You'll call anything.
Dr. Cuddy:
My stack is bigger than your stack.
Dr. Wilson:
So are you going to tell me an annoying story every time I raise?
Dr. House:
God, that would be annoying.
[after hearing about Cuddy's patient]
Dr. Cuddy:
You in or out?
Dr. House:
I'm out.
Dr. Cuddy:
[slaps a five and a three on the table]
Oh! Stone cold bluff. You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards, and a little less time staring at my breasts.
Dr. House:
They don't match, either.
[Wilson peeks at House's cards and sees that he had pocket aces]
Dr. House:
[to Chase, in front of a girl he's talking to]
Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd come back for seconds. I figured after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night.
Dr. Chase:
He's joking.
Dr. House:
No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time.
Girl:
I'll, uh, see you later.
[Girl exits]
Dr. House:
Got a case.
Dr. Chase:
Well, you could've just said that. You didn't have to screw with me.
Dr. House:
Yeah, but if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope.
Dr. House:
[on phone to Wilson, who is still playing with Cuddy]
Keep your answers short and discreet. Is Cuddy still playing?
Dr. Wilson:
The chicken... Is still in Piccadilly Square.
Dr. House:
Brilliant. She'll never suspect that Normandy is our target.
Dr. House:
[on phone]
Go all in.
Dr. Wilson:
You obviously want to bust me. Why, why would you...
Dr. House:
Either you go all in or I tell everyone in the building that you wear toenail polish.
Dr. Wilson:
[beat]
I'm all in.
[referring to House's patient from 12 years ago]
Dr. Wilson:
Have you read Moby Dick?
Dr. House:
It was a book?
Dr. Wilson:
It was ten years ago.
Dr. House:
Twelve.
Dr. Wilson:
Obsession is dangerous.
Dr. House:
Only if you're on a wooden ship and your obsession is a whale. I think I'm in the clear.
Dr. Wilson:
You do realize it's a metaphor?
Dr. House:
You do realize that the point of metaphors is to scare people from doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen, than what will really happen? God, I wish I had a metaphor to explain that better.
Dr. House:
Did you know that relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal?
Sleeping Dogs Lie [2.18]
[Cameron, Chase, and Foreman enter]
Dr. Cameron:
We've got rectal bleeding.
Dr. House:
What, all of you?
Dr. Cuddy:
[finding House sleeping]
You've seen one patient in the last two hours.
Dr. House:
Complicated case. I'm a night owl, Wilson's an early bird. We're different species.
Dr. Cuddy:
Then move him into his own cage.
Dr. House:
Who'll clean the droppings from mine?
Dr. Cameron:
Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
Dr. House:
No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.
Dr. Cameron:
Was this just one of your experiments? You just wanted to see how I'd react to being screwed over by Foreman?
Dr. House:
Nice idea, but no. This was just good old-fashioned laziness. Gotta hand it to Foreman, though: he knew that you're a suck-up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both.
Dr. Cameron:
Right:we're both victims. A simple heads up, that's all I needed. Maybe between your incredibly witty remarks about anal sex and Cuddy's breasts, you could've tipped me off.
Dr. House:
Then I'd have Foreman pissed at me, and as annoying as you could be, at least I know you're not gonna pop a cap in my ass. Witty, huh?
Dr. Cameron:
If we want this to not get in the way of our friendship, I think we both have to apologize and put it behind us.
Dr. Foreman:
I like you, really... we have a good time working together. But ten years from now, we're not gonna be hanging out, having dinners. Maybe we'll exchange Christmas cards, say "Hi," give a hug if we're at the same conference... We're not friends, we're colleagues... And I don't have anything to apologize for.
Dr. Cameron:
Depriving her of what little sleep she has, that's torture.
Dr. House:
So is cutting people with knives. You can totally get away with that if you have a doctor's coat on.
Dr. Cameron:
If she talks, if she does the decent thing, then you don't get to solve your puzzle, your game's over, and you lose.
Dr. House:
Yeah. I want to save her. I'm morally bankrupt.
House vs. God [2.19]
Dr. House:
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
paraphrase of Thomas Szasz:
"If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; If you talk to the dead, you are a schizophrenic." (The Second Sin, Anchor/Doubleday, Garden City, NY. 1973, Page 113)
Dr. House:
Isn't it interesting... Religious behaviour is so close to being crazy that we can't tell them apart.
Dr. Chase:
You're gonna talk to a patient?
Dr. House:
God talks to him. It'd be arrogant of me to assume that I'm better than God.
Dr. House:
So, you're a faith healer. Or is that a pejorative? Do you prefer something like "divine health management"?
Boyd:
The nurses talk about you a lot.
Dr. House:
Don't believe them. I keep a sock in my pants.
Boyd:
God says you look for excuses to be alone.
Dr. House:
See, that is exactly the kind of brilliance that sounds deep, but you could say it about any person who doesn't pine for the social approval of everyone he meets - which you were cleverly able to deduce about me by not being a moron. Next time, tell God to be more specific.
Boyd:
I knew they'd send somebody else.
Dr. House:
That God has a big mouth.
Dr. House:
Tie goes to the mortal.
Boyd:
I have a gift!
Dr. House:
A gift is jewelry, socks - what you have is herpes encephalitis.
Boyd:
Dad, we have to have faith...
Walter:
I have faith in the Lord. You, I trust... As much as you can trust a teenage boy.
Dr. Wilson:
House! Why the hell did you let an unstable patient wander the hallways?!?
Dr. House:
His leash broke.
Dr. House:
You know it's all nice when people start to dig these holes, but then they start to live in these holes and get angry when someone pushes dirt into those holes. Come out of your holes people!!!
Dr. Chase:
[to House]
The honor of working for you is not worth a felony charge.
Dr. Wilson:
Can this wait five minutes?
Dr. House:
Is she dying?
Dr. Wilson:
Yes.
Dr. House:
Before the end of this consult?
Dr. Wilson:
They could build monuments to your self-centeredness.
Dr. House:
Gotta go: building full of sick people. If I can hurry, maybe I can avoid them.
Dr. House:
He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing...
Dr. Wilson:
And you're worried about trademark infringement?
Dr. House:
Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump. It's a power trip.
Dr. Wilson:
Ah, and there the similarities end.
Dr. Wilson:
And that's why religious belief annoys you. Because if the universe operates by abstract rules you can learn them, you can protect yourself. If a Supreme Being exists he can squash you any time he wants.
Dr. House:
He knows where I am.
Dr. House:
Don't talk to my patient.
Dr. Wilson:
What are you talking about?
Dr. House:
You get all huffy when my patient stumbles into yours in the hallway, but you've got no qualms about chatting my guy up.
Dr. Wilson:
This is fun, it's like Password. I'll jump in when I get a clue what the hell you're talking about.
[Doing Introductions]
Dr. House:
Wilson! This is Dry Cleaner Guy. Tax Accountant. Guy from the bus stop. This is Wilson.
Dry Cleaner:
How come he gets a name?
Dr. House:
Seniority.
[after House has revealed Wilson's illicit relationship with a patient]
Dr. Wilson:
Tell them my name isn't Wilson!
Dr. House:
His name's not Wilson. And he's more screwed up than I am.
Euphoria (Part 1) [2.20]
Dr. House:
He did however get hit with a bullet. Just mentioning.
Dr. Cameron:
He was shot?
Dr. House:
No, somebody threw it at him.
[House is trying to MRI a corpse with a bullet in its head. Cuddy walks in]
Dr. Cuddy:
I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
Dr. House:
Well if I'd shot a live person there's a lot more paperwork.
Dr. Cuddy:
Then it won't be a problem for you to stand besides the casket at the wake and explain why a cancer patient has a bullet hole in his head.
Dr. House:
The man donated his body to science. Yes, it's a tragedy. If I hadn't shot him his body could have spent the next year letting first year med students use the carpool lane.
Dr. Chase:
He's set.
Dr. Cuddy:
Do not turn that on, House!
Dr. House:
You're mad because I put a bullet in his head. If it works, all I'm doing now is taking it out.
[House turns on the MRI. The lights go out, the bullet fragments fly out of the corpse into the machine, and the team is left standing in the emergency lights.]
Dr. House:
My bad.
(House has just shot a corpse.)
Man:
[peering in]
Did anyone just hear a...?
Dr. House:
I shot him! He's dead!
Dr. Cameron:
The chance of getting infected is next to nothing.
Dr. House:
I was never good at math, but next to nothing is greater than nothing.
Dr. Chase:
What are you doing?
Dr. House:
[checking corpses' toe tags]
I called my mom. She didn't pick up.
Dr. House:
Cop with a sense of humor. Differential diagnosis.
[tosses the files out to the ducklings]
Guy's in the ER bleeding on everybody.
Dr. Foreman:
Drugs!
Dr. Chase:
He's a cop.
Dr. Foreman:
Good point, how about drugs?
Dr. Foreman:
According to Babyshoes, the cop was laughing before he got shot.
Dr. Cameron:
Babyshoes?
Dr. Foreman:
The guy who shot him.
Dr. Cameron:
Reliable witness.
Dr. House:
His name's Babyshoes, how bad can he be?
Dr. Foreman:
What's Dr. Cameron wearing?
Joe:
[looks over Cameron]
Dark blue pants, white shirt, black shoes.
Dr. Foreman:
Oh! Almost, except for the pants, shirt, and shoes. You're blind.
Dr. Cameron:
[Referring to Foreman]
He doesn't like cops.
Dr. House:
[Very sarcastic]
Foreman, policemen are our friends. If you and I are ever separated shopping...
Dr. House:
[sitting on the chair]
Why doesn't anyone listen to me anymore?
Dr. Cameron:
I decided you were wrong.
Dr. House:
God you're weak. Guy steals your article, tells you you're not his friend. You still wanna risk your life for him.
[cuts to Cameron taking off the suit]
Dr. Cameron:
Foreman broke my skin with a tainted needle.
[cuts back for a House closeup]
Dr. House:
Wow.
Dr. Cameron:
Yeah.
Dr. House:
God you're weak.
[Cameron rolls her eyes]
Guy tried to kill you. First thing on my list of things do would be to stab him back. Shoot him. Got a gun in my desk. Last thing would be on my list would be to lie to my boss about it and give the bastard everything he wanted.
Dr. Cameron:
I'm not here for Foreman, I'm here to save myself.
Dr. House:
Eh... Even with a needle stick your chances of infection are pretty slim. That's why you're wearing the suit. You wanted to be here. He just gave you the excuse. What does that guy have to do to make you hate him?
Dr. Foreman:
Whoa, whoa. You think I'm sick?
Dr. House:
I think that an appropriate response to watching your boss shoot a corpse is not to grin foolishly
Dr. Foreman:
The fact that I've grown bored by your insanity is proof of nothing.
Dr. House:
[speaking over intercom]
Dr. Foreman, Dr. Chase requests your assistance.
Euphoria (Part 2) [2.21]
[House leads Dr. Foreman's father into Dr. Cuddy's office]
Dr. Cuddy:
What is this?
Dr. House:
He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.
Dr. Cameron:
Foreman is black.
Dr. House:
What?! How long have you been sitting on this information?
Rodney Foreman:
My son says you're a manipulative bastard.
Dr. House:
It's just a pet name. I call him "Dr. Bling".
[House makes ghost-like sounds to amuse a child patient]
Little Girl Patient:
You're a goof.
Dr. House:
Takes one to know one, loser.
[Patient's mother looks at House in shock]
Wait, that means I'm a loser. Scratch that.
Dr. Cuddy:
You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.
Dr. House:
Ooohhh, Level Three. Should I call Jack Bauer?
[House talks to Concerned Mom who thinks that her daughter has epilepsy]
Dr. House:
In actuality all your little girl is doing is... saying yoo hoo to the hoo hoo.
Concerned Mom:
She's what?
Dr. House:
Marching the penguin... Ya ya-ing the sisterhood... Finding Nemo?
Little Girl Patient:
[giggles]
That was funny.
Dr. House:
It's called gratification disorder, sort of a misnomer. If one was unable to gratify oneself, that would be a disorder.
Concerned Mom:
[covering little girl's ears]
Are you saying she's masturbating?
Dr. House:
[making fun of the mother by talking out of the corner of his mouth so the little girl supposedly won't see that he's talking]
I was trying to be discreet. There's a child in the room.
Dr. Foreman:
[Foreman wakes up to find House examining him while Cameron and his father watch]
I'm okay.
Dr. House:
Your breath stinks, and you're peeing into a bag. What are our names?
Dr. Foreman:
[looks at Cameron]
Cameron...
[he then turns to see his father]
Dr. Foreman:
Dad...
[turns to House]
Dr. Foreman:
Manipulative Bastard...
Dr. House:
Awwww, you remembered.
[Cuddy has gone to see Foreman in Isolation]
Dr. Foreman:
Why are you here?
Dr. Cuddy:
Because you're a friend, and I should be here.
Dr. Foreman:
[sits up]
I'm sorry House used my Dad to try and manipulate you. You've got integrity, you aren't going to change your mind just because you're confronted by my father.
Dr. Cuddy:
Thank you.
Dr. Foreman:
[angry]
Just like I'm not gonna forgive you just because you come by here and ask how I'm feeling!
Dr. Cuddy:
You know I've had no choice.
Dr. Foreman:
Of course you had a choice!
Dr. Cuddy:
Regulations are clear.
Dr. Foreman:
And the punishment for violating those regulations? Is it death? Hmm? Because frankly, I'm okay if you get a fine, a suspension... Hell, you can spend a couple of years in jail, if it saves my life!
[Wilson enters House's office to see House staring intently at his laptop]
Dr. Wilson:
You're accessing a webcam?
Dr. House:
Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?
[House has tried to infect his pet rat with the disease that's killing Foreman, and says he'll do a brain biopsy once Steve starts showing symptoms]
Dr. Wilson:
You mean once he dies.
Dr. House:
Well, as soon as he starts showing symptoms there's a good chance he'll be hit on the head by a, uh, cane-shaped object.
Forever [2.22]
Dr. House:
Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he has no reason to be in the E.R.
Dr. House:
Seizures are cool to watch, but boring to diagnose.
Dr. House:
Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. I like mine black, just like my brain damaged neurologists.
Dr. House:
What are you doing?
Dr. Wilson:
PCR Test.
Dr. House:
You're doing it yourself. In the middle of the night. On a spoon. Cuddy's spoon.
Dr. Wilson:
I'm checking her saliva for cancer markers.
Dr. House:
Yeah... I do that after all of my dates too. People think you're the nice one.
Dr. House:
Tonight.
Dr. Wilson:
What?
Dr. House:
"L Word" Marathon.
Dr. Wilson:
You watch "The L Word?"
Dr. House:
On mute.
Dr. House:
[trying to get a rise out of Foreman]
I'm telling you, I'm going to drop the N-bomb if I have to.
Dr. Foreman:
You're addicted to conflict.
Dr. House:
[looks at his Vicodin bottle]
Did they change the name?
Dr. House:
Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one.
Dr. House:
You don't have cancer.
Dr. Cuddy:
You don't have dwarfism.
Dr. House:
You have no proof of that.
Dr. House:
Bad news... Estrogen is too high
.
Dr. Cuddy:
No matter how many people you tell otherwise, I am, and always have been, a woman.
Dr. House:
It's great you can look beyond the fact she (Cuddy) is the devil.
Dr. Wilson:
I stole a spoon. You stole her garbage.
Dr. House:
She's my boss. She gets sick, the hospital might replace her. Especially if she dies. I'd have to learn how to manipulate someone new.
Dr. Wilson:
Whoa. I think I'm gonna cry.
Dr. Foreman:
I assumed you took the father into consideration.
Dr. House:
What's that saying? "When you assume, you become a pain in the ass to me."
Who's Your Daddy? [2.23]
Dr. Cuddy:
I thought I knew all of your friend.
Dr. Wilson:
So does this guy have pictures of you being nice to him?
Dr. House:
Don't try to talk. You have a big medical thing in your mouth.
Dr. House:
She looks just like you. You have the same fro.
Dr. Wilson:
Are you trying to end this discussion by grossing me out? I'm an oncologist, most of my patients have their skin sloughing off.
Dr. House:
How does somebody who believes absolutely anything become a non-fiction writer?
Dr. Cameron:
I can handle a simple consent form.
Dr. House:
Okay, I'll be Crandall. Dr. Cameron...
Dr. Foreman:
House, from what you say this guy will trust you...
Dr. House:
Are you in this scene? Go.
Dr. Cameron:
I need to talk to you about a procedure we'd like to do on Leona.
Dr. House:
Like to do? Is this fun for you?
Dr. Cameron:
He's not you; he's not going to mock me.
Dr. House:
Stay in character. I'm so scared; hold me.
Crandall:
Heard about your leg.
Dr. House:
Yeah, pulled my hamstring playing Twister. Just gonna walk it off.
Dr. Cuddy:
Need you. Now.
Dr. House:
[in a deep voice]
Yes, Mistress.
Dr. Chase:
Her heart's fragile after that last attack! The chances of tachycardia are...
Dr. House:
You have my permission to blame Foreman in any negligence trial.
Dr. Wilson:
You didn't run the test?
Dr. House:
Said I wouldn't.
Dr. Wilson:
Okay, so either you lied, or he has pictures of you being nice.
Dr. House:
Donor 1284 likes square dancing. No one likes square dancing.
Dr. House:
[on answering machine]
You've reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you've reached this recording in error, go with it. Hang up, on three. One, two...*beep*
Dr. Cuddy:
House, pick up. I know it's your day off. And you've no doubt got lots of exciting plans, but I've got a case.
Dr. House:
She needed to be hurt. I wanted to hurt her. Win-win.
No Reason [2.24]
Jack Moriarty:
Which one of you is Dr. House?
Dr. House:
Skinny brunette.
Jack Moriarty:
That's Dr. Cameron.
Dr. House:
I'm skinny. How'd you know who she was?
Jack Moriarty:
I'm an old patient of yours.
Dr. House:
Oh, well, leave the chocolates downstairs.
[Moriarty pulls out a gun and shoots House]
Dr. House:
I got shot, diagnostically boring. Big fat tongue, on the other hand, endlessly entertaining.
Dr. House:
He's got a temperature of 103.
Dr. Foreman:
And why do we care?
Dr. House:
Because we're human beings. It's what we do. Said he was at a luncheon meeting.
Dr. Cameron:
You took his history?!
Dr. House:
Guy looks like Harpo. You should see him.
Dr. Chase:
You asked him what book he's currently reading.
Dr. House:
It's hilarious to watch him try and talk. I asked him anything I could think of. Favorite color? Bwuu.
[Cut to clinic.]
Dr. House:
Favorite dessert topping?
[The patient hesitates.]
Trust me, you'll never know what fact may be the key to saving your life.
Patient:
Whip cweam.
Dr. House:
Yeah. Killer needs his rest. Otherwise he's grumpy all day.
[House bangs on Jack's bed with his cane.]
Hey! Wake up! Watch me save a life!
Dr. House:
You shoot the guy who sold her the gun?
Jack:
She locked herself in the garage and she started the car.
Dr. House:
You shoot the guy who sold her the garage door opener?
Jack:
You pretend to buck the system, pretend to be a rebel, claim to hate rules.
[We see that House is sleeping]
But all you do is substitute your own rules for society's. Now it's a nice, simple rule: tell the blunt, honest truth in the starkest, darkest way. And what will be, will be. And what will be, should be. And everyone else... is a coward. But you're wrong. It's not cowardly not to call someone an idiot. People aren't tactful, or polite just because it's nice. They do it... because they've got an ounce of humility. Because they know that they will make mistakes, and they know that their actions have consequences. And they know... that those consequences will be their fault. Why do you want so badly not to be human, House?
[Cameron and Foreman enter and see House looking asleep.]
Oh, he's awake.
Dr. Cameron:
House, we need to talk to you.
Dr. House:
How the hell did you know I was awake?
Jack:
Your nostrils flare when you sleep.
Dr. House:
They do not.
Jack:
Fine, I'm lying.
Vince:
You want to let a robot operate on me?
Dr. Cameron:
The technology is amazing. It magnifies everything ten times, it's ten times the accuracy.
Vince:
No way, I want a person!
Dr. Cameron:
A person will be controlling the...
Dr. House:
People suck. People have turned you from a guy with a swollen tongue into a guy with one eye, one ball and a stapled-on face. If you want someone to hold you while you cry yourself to sleep at night, choose warm and soft. If you want someone to write you a poem, pick the sensitive loner. If all you care about is that something's done right, pick the guy with the metal head.
[Cameron is lying down on the table, above are the arms of the robot. House is controlling the robot; Vince is sitting next to him.]
Dr. House:
Relax Cameron, I'm not going to cut you. I just want to show what this puppy can do. I can make one millimeter incisions. You know how small that is? Small even in metric. If I do something that doesn't make sense, even to you, stop me.
[He moves the robot's tweezer hand down to stroke Cameron's cheek.] Delicate, no? [He then lifts up the hem of her shirt and uses the air hand to blow air into her belly button. And then he cuts off a button on her blouse, peeling part of the shirt away to reveal her bra.]
Dr. Cameron:
House.
Dr. House:
Does that hurt?
[Cameron shakes her head.]
Dr. House:
[to Vince]
Seen enough?
Vince:
No.
Dr. House:
That wasn't a question.
Jack:
You've wasted your life.
Dr. House:
Yeah. If only I'd dedicated my life to finding someone worthy to shoot.
Dr. House:
Okay, I'll be you guys
[mocking Dr. Chase]
"No way, mate, too much blood to just be a vein!"
[mocking Dr. Foreman]
"No way, hizzy! If it was an artery, he'd still be bleeding."
[mocking Dr. Cameron]
"Actually, he'd be dead."
[pathetic face]
Dr. House:
See? I couldn't have done that if I was dead.
[Vince is crying in pain, trying to use the restroom]
Vince:
It's getting bigger!
Dr. Chase:
You're getting aroused?
Vince:
No, not that!
[Chase bends over to check, Vince's testicle explodes]
Dr. House:
Why did you try to kill me?
Moriarty:
I didn't.
Dr. House:
Then the gun thing might have been a mistake.
Dr. House:
Here's how life works
you either get to ask for an apology or you get to shoot people. Not both.
Moriarty:
I don't care about semantics.
Dr. House:
You anti-semantic bastard!
Moriarty:
You think that the only truth that matters is that truth can be measured. Good intentions don't count. What's in your heart doesn't count. Caring doesn't count. But a man's life can be measured by how many tears are shed when he dies. Just because you can't measure them... Just because you don't wanna measure them, doesn't mean it's not real.
Dr. House:
[staring at board]
That does not make sense...
Moriarty:
And even if I'm wrong, you're still miserable. Did you really think that your life's purpose was to sacrifice yourself and get nothing in return? No. You believe that there is no purpose. To anything. Even the lives you save you dismiss. You turn the one decent thing in your life and you taint it, strip it of all meaning. You're miserable for nothing. And I don't know why you'd wanna live.
Dr. House:
[turns to Moriarty with a tear in his eye]
I'm sorry.
Dr. House:
Where are you going?
Dr. Foreman:
You're an ass.
Dr. House:
I know. Where are you going?
Dr. Cuddy:
There are plenty of reasons to administer...
Dr. House:
Fine, I'll just go and beat the truth out of my surgeon. Gillick, right?
Dr. Wilson:
You don't want a healthy leg.
Dr. House:
Ohh, here we go.
Dr. Wilson:
If you've got a good life, if you're healthy, you've got no reason to bitch; no reason to hate life.
Dr. House:
Well here's the flaw in your argument. If I enjoy hating life I don't hate life, I enjoy it.
Dr. Wilson:
I didn't say it was rational. HIV testing is 99% accurate, which means there are some people who test positive who live with their own impending doom for months or years before finding out everything is okay. Weirdly, most of them don't react with happiness or even anger - they get depressed. Not because they wanted to die but because they've defined themselves by their disease. Suddenly, what made them, them, isn't real.
Dr. House:
I don't define myself by my leg.
Dr. Wilson:
No-o, you have taken it one step further. The only way you could come to terms with your disability was to somehow make it mean nothing. So you had to redefine everything. You have dismissed anything physical. Anything not coldly, calculatingly intellectual.
Season 3
Meaning [3.1]
Dr. Wilson:
So if there's no diagnostic issue why are you taking the case?
Dr. House:
...Treatment can be interesting.
Dr. Wilson:
Not to you.
Dr. House:
I've changed.
Dr. Wilson:
No you haven't.
Dr. House:
[immediately]
No I haven't.
Dr. House:
[leaning over the end of the patient's bed]
Don't worry, I'm not going to burn you again. I'm going to
[reveals needle]
STAB YOU!
Dr. Cameron:
We should give her a local.
Dr. House:
That would defeat the purpose of me being nasty.
Dr. Cuddy:
You've been back at work for 24 hours and already you're playing hide-and-seek in a woman's spine.
Dr. House:
Who won the pool?
Dr. Wilson:
You really don't give a crap, do you?
Dr. House:
Does that make me evil?
Dr. Wilson:
Yeah.
Dr. Wilson:
The reason we crave meaning is because it makes us happy. The first level of happiness...
[House walks away]
I'm not going away.
Dr. Wilson:
The fifth level of happiness involves Creation, changing lives.
Dr. House:
The sixth level is heroin, the seventh level is you going away.
Caren Krause:
Scurvy? Like what sailors get when they don't eat right?
Dr. Foreman:
Aye aye.
Arlene:
I'm taking care of him for the same reason you helped us.
Dr. House:
Some guy shot you and you hallucinated?
Dr. House:
I don't remember you being this bitchy.
Dr. Wilson:
The Vicodin dulled it. In the sober light of day, I'm a buzz-kill.
Dr. Wilson:
Just because he was right, doesn't mean he wasn't wrong.
Dr. Cuddy:
I see him every day. I can't just...
Dr. Wilson:
Everybody lies.
[House has just done a skateboard trick.]
Dr. House:
Oh! I stuck that primo! How rad am I?!
Dr. Cameron:
You're lucky he didn't die.
Dr. House:
I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die.
[House has just run all the way from his home to the hospital]
Dr. Cuddy:
Why did you...?
Dr. House:
Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?
Dr. Wilson:
Because he can.
Dr. House:
Inject him with cortisol. He'll have sex with his wife again! He'll hug his kid again! Hopefully that's the combination he was using... be a shame if I cured a pedophile.
Dr. Cuddy:
Twenty-four times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Except you never say those words. You say something like, "His pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire!"
Dr. House:
Would you like to get a drink?
Dr. Cameron:
Are you .. are you serious or are you just trying to change the subject?
Dr. House:
No I'm serious. I drink, you drink, we can do it at the same time, at the same table. Do you eat? We could do that too. Hey, if the answer's 'No' that's cool, but...
Dr. Cameron:
No it's just... you're just coming off surgery and you're not yourself yet and I work for you and even though last year's... Agh. You're smiling. I'm saying 'No' and you're smiling.
Dr. House:
Well don't take it personally, it's just cause you're full of crap. You have no interest in going out with me. Maybe you did when I couldn't walk, when I was a sick puppy that you could nurture back to health. Now that I'm healthy there's nothing in it for you.
Dr. Cameron:
You are not healthy. Cuddy wants to see you.
Cane and Able [3.2]
Dr. House:
So you're saying Chase did screw up.
Dr. Chase:
Or Foreman screwed up.
Dr. Foreman:
Big hand points to minutes, maybe you got them mixed up.
Dr. House:
Oh snap, Foreman is playing the dozens. You're at a huge cultural disadvantage here, Chase. Take a couple minutes here and think of a witty retort.
[later]
Dr. Chase:
Hey Foreman, your momma's so fat that when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
Dr. Cameron:
Is your leg hurting?
Dr. House:
Is that question helping?
Dr. Cameron:
You're leaning.
Dr. House:
You're sitting.
Dr. Cameron:
You're evading.
Dr. House:
My head's hurting.
Richard:
I want to have sex with my wife.
Dr. Cameron:
Oh.
Richard:
And I was hoping maybe you could ...
Dr. Cameron:
Viagra? You're here for Viagra?
Richard:
A bucket full would be nice.
Dr. House:
Can you believe what Cuddy tried to pull?
Dr. Wilson:
What now?
Dr. House:
She lied to me. She cured my patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it.
Dr. Wilson:
That doesn't sound like her.
Dr. House:
You're right. Does sound like you, though.
Dr. Wilson:
What exactly did Cuddy tell you?
Dr. House:
Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So what was the plan? I'd feel so horrible by missing a case that I'd re-evaluate my entire life, question the nature of truth and goodness and become Cameron?
Dr. Wilson:
Something like that. More that if we'd told you the truth, that you'd solved it based on absolutely no medical proof, you'd think you were God, and I was worried your wings would melt.
Dr. House:
God doesn't limp.
Dr. Chase:
How could I screw up a simple bleeding-time test?
Dr. Foreman:
Maybe you were abducted - lost time.
Dr. House:
[crosses fingers]
Tell me he's a mutant-human hybrid.
Dr. Cameron:
Maybe he cheated.
Dr. Chase:
Right, kids always cheat on their bleeding-time tests.
Dr. House:
She was being metaphorical. She's trying to sound like me.
[turns to Cameron]
I have no idea what you meant, but
[raises eyebrow]
I could smell what The Rock was cooking.
Dr. House:
I need a laser pointer.
Dr. Cameron:
We don't have a laser pointer.
Dr. House:
Well, why not? Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a laser pointer?
Dr. House:
Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click "Yes, I am 18"? Even a 17 year old can figure it out.
Dr. Cuddy:
What's going on with the leg?
Dr. House:
First tell me what's going on with the boobs.
Dr. Cuddy:
If you're feeling pain -
Dr. House:
They're firmer.
Dr. Cuddy:
It's called an underwire. I wanna get a PET scan of your brain.
Dr. House:
I think it's hormones.
Dr. Cuddy:
As long as there's no increased activity in the thalamus -
Dr. House:
[out of the corner of his mouth]
Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business.
Dr. Cuddy:
- then the pain can be good. It could mean muscle regenerating. After you workout you get sore. Pain doesn't mean that it failed.
Dr. House:
Guess I should be saying "Mazzeltov". Who gets to pass out the cigars?
Dr. Cuddy:
I'm not pregnant. I need to get a PET scan of your brain.
Dr. House:
Is it a boy or a girl? You got a name picked out?
Dr. Cuddy:
I'm not pregnant!
Dr. House:
My leg doesn't hurt.
Dr. Cuddy:
You're in denial.
Dr. House:
No I'm not!
[scoffs]
You got me.
Dr. House:
[pager goes off while Cuddy is talking to him]
Gotta go.
[starts leaving, and stumbles after a few steps]
[Cuddy rushes over to help him]
Dr. House:
[stands up]
Ha.
Dr. Wilson:
You're just like any other patient: running away from knowledge that won't make you happy.
Dr. House:
I'm as happy as a pig in poop.
Dr. Wilson:
You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a torturous window to the good life.
Dr. House:
What part of "poop" didn't you understand?
Patient's Mother:
You're talking about brain surgery.
Dr. House:
I'm talking about really cool brain surgery.
Dr. House:
Is this an intervention? You're a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, however, still hooked on phonics.
Dr. Cuddy:
If you did your morning run and showered at home you'd be later than ususal.
Dr. House:
Thought of you in the shower.
Dr. Cuddy:
How's your leg? You seem to be favouring your left side.
Dr. House:
It was hanging down my right pant leg yesterday, makes all the difference in the world.
Dr. House:
Why don't I have high-def in my office? I'm a department head.
Dr. House:
Foreman, you gotta steal this thing for me!
Dr. Foreman:
Oh, let me ring up one of the homies.
Dr. Chase:
House! Clancy has gone missing!
Dr. House:
Oh God! I'll look on Alpha Centauri, you look on Tatooine, and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint. Let's pray he hasn't gone into hyperdrive - we'll never catch him.
Patient's Father:
I thought you got it all!
Dr. Chase:
Yeah, yell at me:that'll fix the kid.
Dr. House:
The results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. Said it might not even be terrestrial.
Dr. Chase:
Really?
Dr. House:
No, you idiot. It's titanium.
Dr. House:
I know I get worked up when I cut microchip tracking implants out of my neck.
Dr. House:
So it's a UFO. Unidentified Flowing Orifice.
Dr. Cuddy:
[about Cameron]
She's not nearly as delightful as she thinks she is.
Informed Consent [3.3]
[Cameron is staring at House at using his cane again]
Dr. House:
What, my fly open?
Dr. House:
Fresno, that's in France, right? Did you see the Parthenon?
Dr. Chase:
[speaking about the patient]
It's his call.
Dr. Foreman:
So, what do we do? Put a plastic bag over his head and get it over with?
Dr. House:
Come on, he's old, sick, and tiny. We can do whatever we want to him.
Dr. Foreman:
All that in 24 hours?
Dr. House:
Nah, whatever you don't get done you can finish at the autopsy.
Dr. House:
[after his minions have worked all night]
Wow, you guys look like crap. What do you got?
Dr. Chase:
Purple dye on my fingers.
Dr. House:
What did the bone marrow biopsy show?
Dr. Foreman:
Don't have the results.
Dr. House:
What? What have you been doing all night?
Dr. Cameron:
Jello shots and wild sex, what else?
Dr. House:
Okay, next procedure: we sneak in, turn back the clock.
Powell:
Dr. Chase said my calcium is normal.
Dr. House:
We call him "Dr. Idiot".
Powell:
Are you a man of your word, or not?
Dr. House:
No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.
Dr. House:
Go, get to work.
[turns away to look at MRI]
Wait!
[turns back and realizes no one has moved]
Dr. House:
You do know you can't pierce me with your stares?
Dr. Cameron:
I can't do this.
[leaves]
Dr. House:
Drama Queen.
Dr. House:
I thought you were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.
Dr. Cuddy:
I'm not pregnant.
Dr. House:
Don't go towards the light! You'll fall and break your hip.
Dr. House:
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
[sticks his head under Powell's sheet]
Dr. House:
What's the largest organ?
Dr. Chase:
Skin.
Dr. House:
We need to get a piece.
Dr. Foreman:
Sure, we'll just wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in and take a piece.
Dr. Foreman:
How the hell did you pull that out of your ass?
Dr. House:
Wasn't mine. I had a muse.
Dr. House:
[to Cameron, after she put Powell out of his misery]
I'm proud of you.
Lines in the Sand [3.4]
Dr. House:
Do a stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection, and ANA for lupus.
Dr. Cameron:
Because he screamed?
Dr. Chase:
It could also be an environmental reaction... An allergy, dust, weed, pollen, something he ate...
Dr. House:
Check the house and run a lung ventilation scan... The lungs are in the chest too, right?
Dr. Foreman:
I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
Dr. House:
Of course not... This isn't a veterinary hospital. ZING!
Dr. House:
Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, kinda feel like a bagel.
[Ali, House's 'stalker', has just left, but not before glancing over her shoulder at House and smiling. House turns to Cuddy]
Dr. House:
After that look, I'm feeling frisky. Looks like you're up.
Dr. Cuddy:
I'm ovulating. Let's go.
Dr. House:
The frisky, it went away.
Dr. Cuddy:
House, this isn't a game.
[starts to walk away]
Dr. House:
If I leave her alone, can I have my carpet back?
Dr. Cuddy:
No.
Dr. House:
If I give up my carpet, can I have her?
Dr. House:
I want my old carpet back.
Dr. Cuddy:
It was stained with blood.
Dr. House:
Yeah. My blood. Which makes the carpet part of me. I want it back. I want to be buried with it.
Dr. Cuddy:
You think you can get me to do anything you want, regardless of how stupid it is?
Dr. House:
It's my office! It's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people so they'll give you more money to spend on MRI's and low-cut tops.
Dr. Chase:
It's funny. You get a normal kid, the parent works. You get a special kid that costs more, you quit and turn the backyard into a therapy circuit.
Dr. Cameron:
Yes, if only you were handicapped. All the good times you could have had with Dad.
Dr. House:
Exactly when did New Jersey run out of horny 17 year-old boys?
Ali:
About 5 weeks ago? It's been very lonely.
Dr. House:
[in a southern accent]
Come on in, brothers and sister! Welcome to the house of the Lord!
Dr. Cameron:
House, come on, the chapel?
Dr. House:
We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother, can you testifiy as to why this poor child's eyeball rolled back into his head?
Dr. Chase:
It's consistent with jimsonweed poisoning -- ocular paralysis.
[a man sitting in the pew gets up and leaves]
Dr. Chase:
[whispering]
Sorry.
Dr. House:
The wicked shall deceive ye, because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots. His ocular muscle didn't paralyze. It pirouetted.
Dr. Cameron:
MS...
Dr. House:
It is easier for a wise man to gain access to heaven...
Dr. Cameron:
Can you stop that? Just say not MS!
Dr. Foreman:
Unless you have a better idea, I'm gonna go CT his head. And then, if -- if I have to, remove his eye.
Dr. House:
You remove this kid's eye, he's only gonna be half as good at not making eye contact.
Dr. Cuddy:
I have sad news for you: She doesn't love you.
Dr. House:
You're ugly when you're jealous.
Dr. Cuddy:
She showed up at my house last night: came on to me.
Dr. House:
She's even more perfect than I thought.
Dr. Cuddy:
House. She's sick.
[Cuddy sits down next to House]
Dr. House:
You say "sick", I say "freestylin".
Dr. Cuddy:
The girl will have sex with an invertebrate.
Dr. House:
Come on. You're not that bad.
Dr. Cuddy:
She has a problem. You're not doing her any favors by indulging her.
Dr. House:
Why would you lie like this? Do you not have room in your heart for love?
Dr. Cuddy:
You don't believe me.
Dr. House:
I didn't believe the kids when they said that Susie was sleeping with Johnny. I didn't believe them then, I don't believe them now. I don't care that Susie married Johnny -- he's mine.
Dr. Cuddy:
She has a mole on her right breast, just below the nipple.
Dr. House:
No, she doesn't.
Dr. Cuddy:
You've seen her breasts?!
Dr. House:
It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House".
Dr. Cuddy:
Fine, I'm lying.
[she stands up]
But she did come back. She's locked up in my office. I was hoping you could talk to her. Put an end to this.
[turns and leaves]
Dr. House:
Why can't you be more like the other age-inappropriate girls who have a thing for me? Just accept me for me.
Dr. Cameron:
Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It's normal to want to be normal.
Dr. House:
Spoken like a true circle queen. See, skinny, socially privledged white people get to draw this neat little circle. And everyone inside the circle is "normal". Anyone outside the circle needs to be beaten, broken and reset so that they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized. Or even worse - Pitied.
Dr. Cameron:
So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?
Dr. House:
Why would you feel sorry for someone that gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain, your secretions or your grandma's itchy place. Imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind numbing social niceties. I don't pity this kid - I envy him.
Dr. Cameron:
All change is bad. Not true you know.
Dr. House:
[screaming at Cuddy in a crowded conference room]
YOU CAN'T STOP OUR LOVE!
Dr. House:
Listen to me. Do you have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed with me? Nine chances out of ten we'd end up in jail.
Ali:
You're only saying that to make me go.
Dr. House:
I'm saying it 'cause it's true. Inside of us we both know that you belong with Victor.
[Ali looks confused]
Dr. House:
Is there a Victor in your class?
[Ali shakes her head]
Dr. House:
If you're not with someone your own age, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
Ali:
What about us?
Dr. House:
We'll always have Fresno. I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Now now, here's looking at you, kid.
House bursts into operating room]
Dr. House:
Hey! Don't touch his eye!
Surgeon:
This is an appendectomy.
Dr. House:
[taken aback but unable to admit his error]
Like I said, don't touch his eye.
Fools For Love [3.5]
Dr. House:
If he's not hitting that, why is she here?
Dr. Cameron:
Because I'm hitting that, and it's totally hot
.
Dr. House:
Infectious or environmental... All we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it's Internet porn related. I'll check the Internet, you guys get the rest of the stuff.
Dr. House:There's a reason we don't let kids vote, or drink, or work in salt mines. They're idiots! Twenty year olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.
Dr. Foreman:
Not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How many black women have you dated, by the way?
Dr. House:
I don't care about color, as long as they can help me breed a superior race.
Dr. Foreman:
My exes have usually been black, so what? Its not a racial thing, its cultural. I have more in common with them, like, I assume you (Dr. House) only date emotionally stunted bigots.
Dr. Cuddy:
Pay attention to me!
Dr. House:
Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.
Dr. Wilson:
Your real fear is me having a good relationship
