Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse:
Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse:
You're in it.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse:
He looks better than you.
Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse:
As a sacrifice.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse:
She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse:
For another woman.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse:
To enter a convent.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse:
She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse:
By your husband.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad:
He's wearing camouflage pants and has an AK-47.
Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad:
Your wife says "no."
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad:
Sexually.
Worse:
He's gay.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad:
So did the postman.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse:
With each other.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad:
Your wife walks in.
Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad:
It's performance art.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad:
So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad:
For real.
Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad:
Your son, that is.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad:
She's thirteen.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad:
He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad:
Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad:
It's counterfeit.
Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad:
Your daughter's the star.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad:
You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad:
She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad:
With the neighbors.
Worse:
All of them.