What Men Really Mean Is......

Source: Leo

• "I'm going fishing." Really means...
  "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
• "Let's take your car." Really means....
  "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
• "Woman driver." Really means....
  "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
• "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....
  "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
• "It's a guy thing." Really means....
  "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
• "Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
  "Why isn't it already on the table?"
• "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....
  Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
• "Good idea." Really means....
  "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
• "Have you lost weight?" Really means....
  "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
• "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means....
  "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
• "It would take too long to explain." Really means....
  "I have no idea how it works."
• "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
  "The batteries in the remote are dead."
• "I got a lot done." Really means....
  "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
• "We're going to be late." Really means....
  "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
• "Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means....
  "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
• "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means....
  "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
• "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
  "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
• "That's interesting, dear." Really means....
  "Are you still talking?"
• "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
  "I forgot our anniversary again."
• "You expect too much of me." Really means....
  "You want me to stay awake."
• "It's a really good movie." Really means....
  "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
• "That's women's work." Really means....
  "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
• "Will you marry me?" Really means....
  "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
• "Go ask your mother." Really means....
  "I am incapable of making a decision."
• "You know how bad my memory is." Really means....
  "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
• "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means....
  "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
• "Football is a man's game." Really means....
  "Women are generally too smart to play it."
• "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means....
  "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
• "I do help around the house." Really means....
  "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
• "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
  "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
• "I can't find it." Really means....
  "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
• "What did I do this time?" Really means....
  "What did you catch me at?"
• "What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means....
  "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
• "No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means....
  "You may actually get it to start."
• "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means....
  "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
• "I heard you." Really means....
  "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
• "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means....
  "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse with anyone else."
• "You look terrific." Really means....
  "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
• "I brought you a present." Really means....
  "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
• "I missed you." Really means....
  "Our time apart wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be."
• "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
  "No one will ever see us alive again."
• "We share the housework." Really means....
  "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
• "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means....
  "I like you more than my new car."
• "I recycle." Really means....
  "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
• "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means....
  "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
• "It sure snowed last night." Really means....
  "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
• "It's good beer." Really means....
  "It was on sale."
• "I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
  "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
• "I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means....
  "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
• "I broke up with her." Really means....
  "She dumped me."
• "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means....
  "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."