My Sweet Face

Excerpts from Bash.org Part III

source: Bash.org

#715676 +(-36)- [X]

We're gonna get guns, hold you hostage, and rape you

And then beat you unconscious

:-[

Then, when you wake up

We'll be all

YOU GOT PUNK'D BITCH

And you'll be like 'lol'

#715644 +(843)- [X]

So we a have a masochist, a sadist, a zoophilic, a necrophile, a coprophilic and a fetichist.

Why the fuck I have the impression this is going to be nasty?

They're all in jail. So suddenly, the zoophilic says "Hey guys, lets fucking rape a cat!"

And everybody is like "FUCK YES!", but suddenly, the coprophilic says "After we fuck it, we shit on it!"

Everybody applauds. And the necrophile then says "Then, we kill it. And after that, WE FUCK IT!"

Ok dude this is sick.

Everybody is orgasmed. The sadist then says "Before we kill it, lets fucking torture it!"

Jesus leave the cat alone!

So the fetichist is like "And then, we dildo rape it!"

Everybody is like "YEAH MAN LETS DO IT!"

What does the masochist says, then?

"Miau."

HAHAHAHA. XD

#715357 +(-396)- [X]

* Chrispy is playing : naughty college girls volume 4

ooops

lol

<Vaine>

lololol

<z3ph>

HAHHAHAHA

<+DJ_8-Ball|eve>

rofl

<%Crysis>

lmfao

<Vaine>

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

<z3ph>

HAHAHAHA

#715122 +(310)- [X]

well, you know what they say

"the second-best way to get into a girl's pants is to play the guitar"

"the absolute best way is chloroform"

-plutarch

or was that plato?

it was one of the great philosophers i think

715095 +(650)- [X]

girlfirends are overrated

plus although sex with a girl is definitely more pleasurable, masturbation is so much more efficient

<SoAP>

i'll take the real thing if i can get it

i dunno... ive gotten some bunk ass blowjobs, where im kinda waiting for it to end

thinking, ya know if i were alone i could finish this up lickedy split and still have time to watch House

#714996 +(486)- [X]

everything is always more enjoyable when it's free

not really

I got raped once

but I'd rather pay for a hooker

#714971 +(1077)- [X]

so this guy gets home

and his wife tells him that his son got caught having sex with the teacher

and so she tells him to go scold him

so they go outside and he says

"son, I'm really not angry with you

In fact, I'm damned proud.

But you need to pretend I'm mad

After this, we're gonna go down to the bike shop and buy you a new bike

So just look like your ashamed

So they go down to the bike shop

get the bike

and he says to his son

"Now, do you want to ride it home, or just put it in the truck?"

And the son says

"well dad, lets put it in the truck. My ass is still sore."

#714941 +(374)- [X]

<[aL3x>

I heard KingKhai had sex with his teacher.. only problem was, he was home schooled.

#714660 +(1999)- [X]

My wife has 2 problems. One is the fact that everytime she gets drunk she gets mean. She always looks for a fight, or a way to make me feel like shit me. The other problem is that every morning after she gets drunk she has an explosive watery shit. One night she pushed me to far. She was drunk of course and felling a little frisky so we we messing around and I tried to put it in the butt, she got mad and started talking shit, about how I'm no good and my dick is small, and that she probally wouldn't even feel it. so we never did have sex. After she went to sleep I couldn't get the pain of her saying my dick was small out of my head. I wanted to embarrass her as much as she embarrased me. So I got an Idea I went to my sons room and got his bag of marbles. i then went to my secret stash and got a bottle of lube. I could just image her reactions when you shit marbles the next morning. I lubed them up one at a time and slowly pushed each one in. About a hundered in all. I got so excited I jerked off then giggled my self to sleep. The next morning I woke up so excited I couldn't stand it. I made allot of noise getting dressed so she would wake up. She did and not 3 minutes later she said " oh my stomach. not again" and ran to the bathroom. I was in thee brushing my teeth. Usually she would tell me to leave but the urge was to intense. She sat down and let it rip. She dam near had a heart attack from the noise. The marbles hitting the porcelin sounded like a machine gun going off in the bathroon. She turned white as a sheet and stood up. Still shitting all over the place. Marbles rolling all over the floor as they bounced around. It took her a couple of minutes to put it all together. She said " What the ****" I just laughed and laughed as she packed her shit and left. I really do kind of miss her though.

#714624 +(517)- [X]

* Uther has joined #Elicoor

<Uther>

bah!

<Uther>

fucking disconnected my ass

<Lucca>

Wow, if you take that to be an actual, grammatically-correct sentence, it's really rather wrong.

#714600 +(794)- [X]

Ponyprincess, get ur brain checked!

oh ya? well i did and they found nothing!

wait, crap

#714570 +(1158)- [X]

It got dead in here.

Riech, tell me a story.

<Shish>

make it have pirates in it!

<Riech>

Five pirates and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck.

<Riech>

Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal.

<Riech>

Each pirate will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next pirate in line will marry her and so on.

Five pirates and one woman? Seems like my kind of island.

<Riech>

All the pirates get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different pirate each week.

<Riech>

The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies...

<Riech>

The first week after wasn't too bad.

<Riech>

The second week was getting sort of bad.

<Riech>

The third week was getting pretty bad.

<Riech>

The fourth week was really bad.

<Riech>

The fifth week was horrible!

<Riech>

By the sixth week it was unbearable...

<Riech>

...

<Riech>

...

<Riech>

So they buried her.

#714566 +(546)- [X]

<Sam>

Damnit, no sex for me tonight.

<Ven>

In the doghouse?

<Sam>

No, she has roommates and I have roommates, but she was supposed to go to her sisters tonight to babysit and I was going to go over after the kid went to sleep. He's like 1 and a half so he sleeps at like 7.

<Ven>

So what's the problem?

<Sam>

Her sister cancelled cause of the crappy weather.

[Nat has joined the chat 19:12]

<Sam>

So no sister so no sex for me.

<Nat>

You're all such sick fucks, I'm not coming in here anymore.

[Nat has left the chat 19:13]

<Sam>

...

#714565 +(285)- [X]

hey Sexy_girll :*

<Sexy_girll>

sup...

are u alone?

<Sexy_girll>

yep y?

i just bought some condoms with like bumps and stuff, we could try them out tomorrow when your parents are gone

<Sexy_girll>

you fuckin asshole, your fuckin my sister?

* bigboy89 has quit (Connection reset by peer)

#714559 +(183)- [X]

<3M>

ok guys i've finally got my windows me machine up and running again :D

if everything seems to be running well on windows me you've obviously overlooked something....

<3M>

who is general failure and why is he reading my hard disc :(

somehow, "i told you so" doesn't quite say it ;)

#714553 +(149)- [X]

<Chad>

Seriously, I should kick your nuts so hard that they shoot to the roof of your mouth

<Chad>

That should be a familiar taste for you!

#714545 +(106)- [X]

in psychology

we were discussing sleep

and the blind kid with bad hearing asks

"I heard that if you are dreaming and falling, and you hit the ground, you die for real"

and my professor immediately says "Yes. You die."

I LOL'd so hard

then someone else asks

"I hear that if you have a nightmare in which you die, you die for real"

and he goes "No, that's complete rubbish"

I wanted to ask "I hear if you are dreaming that you are battling zombies and you get bitten, you will wake up and be a zombie. True or false, Professor? TRUE OR FALSE?!"

#714536 +(373)- [X]

night War_Pig

you cockjockey

<War_Pig>

pardon?

he said you ride cock War_Pig

<joeh>

hes saying you ride cock War_Pig

<[Marcus]>

he said you ride cock War_Pig

#714532 +(394)- [X]

No, it sucks, there's all these little kids, and they always try to talk to me.

i like kids

I like kids, when they're being quiet and not moving.

those are dead kids

that doesn't really count

#714372 +(589)- [X]

<ra>

I passed out on the bed :/

<ra>

at like 10 pm

Ra: Congradulations, you just learned the skill "sleeping"

#714353 +(-74)- [X]

tell me what makes me dumb?

<DS_McWerp>

why are you still talking?

im 11 and i havent played for 1 year

beccause i cane

con

can

#714345 +(425)- [X]

Fucking hell, what's wrong with the Internet?

...

Is this a trick question, or are you having problems with your connection?

#5273 +(24156)- [X]

gt;

hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.

#414593 +(11435)- [X]

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

#178890 +(9224)- [X]

*** Now talking in #christian

-Word_of_God- Welcome Abstruse to #christian I am a Bible Bot. For more info type: /msg Word_of_God !info

!kjv numbers 22:21

<Word_of_God>

Numbers 22:21 -- And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab. - (KJV)

*** SageRider sets mode: +b *!*@c211-30-208-111.rivrw3.nsw.optusnet.com.au

*** Word_of_God was kicked from #christian by SageRider (Please dont Swear)

I know I'm never going to be able to come back in this channel again after this, but damn was it worth it to see that...

#104383 +(9040)- [X]

Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

Aight.

Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.

Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

Oh, I like to play dress up.

Me too baby.

I kiss you softly on your chest.

I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

Hey...

I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.

Funny I still don't see it.

I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.

You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

Don't ever Message me again you piece of ****.

Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.

Baby?

.......

Ok, are you ready?

Aight, yeah I'm ready.

I like your music Em... Tee hee.

huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.

Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.

I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.

Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.

What the f*ck, I told you not to Message me again.

Oh ****

I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.

Oh ****

damn I gotta write down your names or something

#434593 +(8288)- [X]

*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'

* Anubis has joined #doghouse

what fraud?

You haven't heard about it?

no?

You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com

omg wtf!

*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'

#262353 +(8161)- [X]

Hey Mike

what?

Pussy.

er?

Pussy.

and?

Pussy.

...

Pussy.

<goatboygt;

i dont get it

AND YOU NEVER WILL.

bastard

#309397 +(7595)- [X]

<VolteFace`>

don't you hate it when you shit on the floor, and you can hear it fall but you have no idea where it actually landed, and spend like 5 minutes looking for it

<peng>

...

<peng>

what?

<VolteFace`>

oh shit

<VolteFace`>

don't you hate it when you DROP shit

#406373 +(7271)- [X]

<[TN]FBMachine>

i got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section

#412248 +(7137)- [X]

<Locl-Yocl>

I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.

#120296 +(6954)- [X]

<link>

once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.

*cries*, scary....

#6460 +(6774)- [X]

what the fuck is wtf

#6441 +(6705)- [X]

<Zanthis(ALE)>

AFK, tornado

#14207 +(6680)- [X]

<h|tler>

HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TELL THAT I'M 13 BY LOOKING AT WHAT I'M WRITEING?????????????????????????????????????????????????????

#83627 +(6676)- [X]

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

#4848 +(6663)- [X]

<ohm>

damn

<ohm>

FUCK

<ohm>

DAMN

<ohm>

i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my grandmother's window pops up

<ohm>

FUCK

<ohm>

i go like this to her

<ohm>

"i want to suck on your clit"

<ohm>

FUCK

#151227 +(6396)- [X]

well, there's a lot of reasons

i mean, roses only last like a couple weeks

and that's if you leave them in water

and they really only exist to be pretty

so that's like saying

"my love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance"

but a potato!

potatos last for fucking ever, man

in fact, not only will they not rot, they actually grow shit even if you just leave them in the sack

that part alone makes it a good symbol

but there's more!

there are so many ways to enjoy a potato! you can even make a battery with it!

and that's like saying "i have many ways in which I show my love for you"

and potatos may be ugly, but they're still awesome

so that's like saying "it doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you"

#246405 +(6259)- [X]

<[BAC]Draxon|TWL>

"The animals will hear!" bellowed the ear licking penguin as the awesomely endowed midget sucked her oozing charlies and plugged his purple middle leg into her festering cunt.

<[BAC]Draxon|TWL>

oops

<[BAC]Draxon|TWL>

wrong window

<d|syztem>

what the FUCK

#139697 +(6214)- [X]

<frank>

can you help me install GTA3?

first, shut down all programs you aren't using

frank has quit IRC. (Quit)

...

#670375 +(6111)- [X]

<JonTG>

Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z

<JonTG>

wait, shit

#367896 +(6022)- [X]

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

#12431 +(5833)- [X]

<Hiroe>

he was dressed as a big fuckin devil

<Hiroe>

like, HUGE costume

<Hiroe>

8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head

<Hiroe>

at some anime con in california

<Hiroe>

they were double booked with a southern Baptist group in the same hotel

<Hiroe>

he's riding the elevator down to the con space

<Hiroe>

doors open, little old baptist woman standing there

<Hiroe>

he just says "Going Down" in his best evil voice

#416857 +(5779)- [X]

why the fuck isn't my disc drive working

i fucking worked on that essay for three friggin' hours in school

i now i cant finish it 'cos my fuckin drive ain't working

you got the right drivers?

hell yes

it was working fine yesterday

why does this shit always happen to me?

maybe that little clip on the side is i nthe wrong position

i havent touched it since school

i'm growing impatient

ANGRY even

throw that shit out tha window

. . .

OMG i fuckin did it!!!

FUCK!!!!!

it works?

no, i threw it out the window

the disk?

NO the whole drive

i live on the 6th floor, made a nice *smash*

FUCK SHIT FUCK

THE DISK WAS STILL INSIDE

brb

. . .

shit

what? did ya break it?

well i couldn't open the drive

so i had to pound it against a rock

quite HARD

and you know what?

that fucking disk wasnt even there

???

i got so mad i threw the remaiders of the drive on to the freeway

and when i got back upstairs i foud the disk inside my bag

lol

I NEVER EVEN PUT IT IN THE DRIVE

i'm actually cryin right now

. . .

wonder if i could make that drive work again

brb

#348498 +(5661)- [X]

.......................................................................................................

<judas>

where's pacman when you need him?

#608100 +(5645)- [X]

<cassius_clay13>

so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar

<cassius_clay13>

well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke

<cassius_clay13>

so i helped him walk to the toilet

<cassius_clay13>

all the stalls were occupied

<emoti_conartist>

lol

<cassius_clay13>

bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy

<cassius_clay13>

so he fucking KICKS one of the stall doors open

<cassius_clay13>

and there's this guy in there taking a shit

<emoti_conartist>

hahahahahaha

<cassius_clay13>

and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM

<cassius_clay13>

then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh shit... if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to fuck him up... so i'd better hit him first'

<cassius_clay13>

so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face

<cassius_clay13>

and runs away

<cassius_clay13>

imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER

#583977 +(5558)- [X]

some girl on the street asked if i was saved yet

i told her i saved at the checkpoint a couple minutes back

and can reload from there if i die

she was confused

#7549 +(701)- [X]

<blergh`>

so i went to this fight and a damn hockey game broke out

#246810 +(219)- [X]

<Drag>

Hi Melvin

<Drag>

How's it hanging?

From hooks in the ceiling.

#263029 +(229)- [X]

<jeff>

if the butterfly effect isn't the best worst movie ever, i don't know what is

Rotten Tomatoes has one review listed and it says, "Hitchcock would be proud."

<jeff>

proud to know he had nothing to do with that film

#477771 +(1008)- [X]

<ArmanyGirl<

Impuro, describe yourself to me

<[Impuro]<

well, I have 2 arms, 2 legs, a torso, a head with a nose and eyes and etc...

<ArmanyGirl<

duhh, i mean phisically

#492527 +(640)- [X]

my dad's been actin really weird lately

he comes up behind my while im doin homework and gives me back rubs

i don't know if it's sexual harrassment

or if he's happy im doin my homework so that he doesnt get arrested for me dropping out of school

...

<Kylie>

your dads a perv

ur dads a perv

<op_01001>

your dad's a perv

your droppin out?

#635274 +(1302)- [X]

<dil-hole>

Today I was at a restaurant and was waiting for my food.

<dil-hole>

Then I started to play my DS on pictochat see? And I found someone that was playing it too.

<dil-hole>

We started to draw pictures and thinking it was some older guy and everything, I was joking around and drew a penis.

<dil-hole>

I looked up to see who it was and about 20 feet away, I heard a gasp. I look up and it�s a 10 year old girl with a DS in her hands.

<dil-hole>

I immediately closed my DS and hid it. That was freaken scary.

#702568 +(1159)- [X]

it's interesting how much you can tell about the designers of a product by looking at the end result

for instance I can clearly tell that whomever thought it was a good idea to have "exit program" and "suspend computer" buttons on a keyboard didn't have cats

#548837 +(347)- [X]

<rhc>

apparently it's rude if

<rhc>

somebody asks if you have a light

<rhc>

and you reply: "yes, but it's at the end of the tunnel"

Excerpts from Bash.org Part III

source: Bash.org

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