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Miscellaneous stories

In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from Feathers, the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story. It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they’re developing.
They borrowed the FAA’s chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer’s chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken".

A wise school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy %$#@! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

Old Hindu legend...

There was once a time when all human beings were gods, but they so abused their divinity that Brahma, the chief god, decided to take it away from them and hide it where it could never be found.
Where to hide their divinity was the question. So Brahma called a council of the gods to help him decide. "Let's bury it deep in the earth," said the gods. But Brahma answered, "No, that will not do because humans will dig into the earth and find it." Then the gods said, "Let's sink it in the deepest ocean." But Brahma said, "No, not there, for they will learn to dive into the ocean and will find it." Then the gods said, "Let's take it to the top of the highest mountain and hide it there." But once again Brahma replied, "No, that will not do either, because they will eventually climb every mountain and once again take up their divinity." Then the gods gave up and said, "We do not know where to hide it, because it seems that there is no place on earth or in the sea that human beings will not eventually reach."
Brahma thought for a long time and then said, "Here is what we will do. We will hide their divinity deep in the center of their own being, for humans will never think to look for it there."
All the gods agreed that this was the perfect hiding place, and the deed was done. And since that time humans have been going up and down the earth, digging, diving, climbing, and exploring--searching for something already within themselves.

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is still sitting and toking on the joint. He looks up and says "hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says, "Ffuuucccckkkk dude.............How much water did you drink?!!"

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle and a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked jerk off. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horses arse, he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I could only imagine what the owner of the car will think when he sees all the tickets.

I eat a lot of imitation tofu. I'm personally opposed to cruelty to soybeans. So I eat tofu substitutes made from chicken, beef, pork...

Pacman isn't violent, it's just drug obsessed. You're essentially boiled down to a simple mouth with the single goal of avoiding what can only be your own hallucinations (ghosts?!) while constantly munching down little pills fervently just to stay alive. You're so fucked up that most of these drugs just keep you going, nothing more. However, you're on a quest for the real good stuff, the uppers that let you conquer your darkest demons. Still, even these hi-powered feel good drugs really only serve to drop you even harder when you come down and suddenly you're closer to your fears and problems than ever before. Yeah, pacman is a really loser-junkie if you ask me. Sure he might turn to violent crime eventually to feed his habit, he might even slap Mrs. Pacman around a little bit.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

Divorce settlement for a lawyer who almost had it all...
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
The husband confidently says, "I want the house." The wife knows he has the skill to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding. Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I want the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car veers towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes the husband nervous, so he asks her: "Is there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done!"
-George Carlin

"How can I ignore you when you won't go away?!?!"
-Unknown

"I'm not inconsiderate! I just honestly don't give a shit!"
-Unknown

"Don't argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."
-Unknown

""If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup."
-Unknown

"When people say 'It's always in the last place you look.' Of course it is. Why the $#%^ would you keep looking after you've found it? Why do people do this? Who and where are they."
-Wendys

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups!"
-Unknown

"I always win. Except when I lose, but I don't count that."
-Unknown

"If you don't like the way I drive stay off the sidewalk."
-Unknown

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
-Kevin James

About happiness: There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
-Christopher Darlington Morley (1890-1957)

Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.
-Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

All my life I've wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
Jane Wagner/Lily Tomlin (1939- )

Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.
H. Jackson Brown

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
Oscar Wilde

Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
-Elias Root Beadle

If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
-Anatole France [Jacques Anatole Thibault] (1844-1924)

It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
-Voltaire [François Marie Arouet] (1694-1778)

Lots of times you have to pretend to join a parade in which you're not really interested in order to get where you're going.
-Christopher Darlington Morley (1890-1957)

No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies.
-Daisy Bates (1863-1951)

IE vs. EG. This one still throws me on occasion, so I hearken back to days of yore when I was taking Latin. IE comes from the Latin Id Est (free translation: that is). EG comes from the Latin exempli gratia (free translation: for example). The difference can be slight in certain situations, so my best suggestion to you in lieu of a concrete rule is to replace your abbreviation with the full English meaning and see if your phrasing works better with the one or the other.
IF THE BIBLE PROVES THAT GOD EXIST, THEN COMIC BOOKS PROVE THE EXISTENCE OF SUPERMAN

6 OF THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS:

  1. Easy UNIX
  2. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
  3. Everything Men Know About Women
  4. Bill Clinton's Guide to Ethics
  5. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
  6. Guide to Dating Etiquette by Mike Tyson

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

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Op 21 maart 2009 is mijn boek 'De Paarse Panda' gepubliceerd. In dit boek beschrijf ik hoe het voelt om longkanker te hebben en ongeneeslijk ziek te zijn verklaard. Het boek barst van geluk, positiviteit, liefde, creativiteit, levenslust, verwondering en optimisme maar dat laatste brokkelt heel langzaam af door teleurstellingen en het moeten verleggen van grenzen.