Last month my wife gave birth to our first child. This may seem like a glorious and happy thing, however, since my son has entered this world, our lives have gone to shit. We haven't had sex in close to 4 months, and my cock has a scab on it from jerking off too often with inside out socks. The little shithead son of ours never fucking sleeps, shits four hundred and sixty-one times a day, and when we change his diaper he likes to piss in our faces. Yesterday he started pissing in my face, and I grabbed one of his baby wipes to get his stinky piss out of my eye, and realized too late that these wipes have lotion in them, and are all creamy and shit. So now my fucking eyes are burning and I start bitching out loud, take a step back and step on one of his ten thousand toys, and trip and fall backwards. I hit the back of my head on the corner of his hand me down we-got-this-from-our-grandparents-because-we-can't-afford-toilet-paper crib and start to bleed all over the goddamn cats we stole from PetsMart because we can't afford them either.
So now not only am I curled up on the floor, bleeding on my carpet and my cats, but I have this burning lotion in my eyes... But that's okay because it kills the stench of the hot piss. The kid is still up there on this "changing table" (read: old-and-wobbly-fucker) pissing away, happy as a clam and has one of his legs dangling off. As if he was cued by the heavens he starts to shit while he's laying there above me, savoring the opportunity to add to my insane anger and humiliation. Needless to say his stinky, and I mean fucking stinky, shit runs down his leg and starts to drip down on the one shirt without holes I own. I think at this point I passed out from all the blood loss, because the next thing I know I wake up in a pool of my own dried blood and the kid is screaming because the cat is sitting on top him, bathing. This shithead cat of ours is licking himself clean while digging his fucking claws in the leg of our newborn son. I just lost it. I get the kid in his crib, open the window and throw the fucking cat out of it. I hear his wails and screams but I ignore them because the fucking kid wont shut up, either. I finally get the kid cleaned up and when my wife gets home from hooking down by the Save-A-Lot food store, or whatever the hell she does when she's not breast feeding, she sees his bandages and calls the cops on my ass.
I would tell you more but my Internet time is almost up. You are only allotted 20 minutes at a time on the computers here at Baden Medium Security Prison.